


Citrus Friend

by Atumun15



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Coming Out, Gay Awakening, Jisung is an asshole, Jisung is hung up on his ex girlfriend, M/M, Please Be careful, Problem child Jisung, angsty, based off of lemon boy by cavetown, kinda sad, no one is supposed to be likeable, this is a mess, tutor! Jeongin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-17 08:10:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 36,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18961303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atumun15/pseuds/Atumun15
Summary: There once was a bittersweet man and they called him, "Lemon Boy”





	Citrus Friend

**Author's Note:**

> *Quick note before you read*
> 
> This is a mess but it's supposed to be that way. Their feelings and experience is entirely a mess because they're teenagers. Everything happens as quickly as it ends so beware.
> 
> This is for my best friend Audrey! Happy birthday babes <3

**Lemon Boy**

**_There once was a bittersweet man and they called him, "Lemon Boy”_ **

 

It really wasn’t supposed to end up this way.

 

None of this was supposed to end with Jeongin questioning everything he had been taught his entire life.

 

Sure, Jeongin was known as ‘Kirby’ around his friends due to his tendencies to latch onto other people’s habits or personalities, and realistically he should have taken that into account when he agreed to tutor one of the upperclassmen that were struggling in one of his classes knowing fully that the boy was nothing but trouble, but yet here he was. Jeongin rocked on the balls of his feet anxiously as he waited for the other to finally enter the library so they could get started and Jeongin could get home at a decent time to play video games with Seungmin, but after an hour of waiting and passing time with homework, the other finally came in. Jeongin let out a sigh of relief.

 

   “You must be Jisung! I’m your tutor.” Jeongin greeted him with a bright smile, faltering a bit when the boy brushed past him and Jeongin was hit with the scent of cigarettes mixed with lemon. Jeongin gaped like a fish, staring the poor elder boy down as he dropped his backpack loudly on the table Jeongin had been working off of and dumping out all of his crumbled, half-ass notes and torn worksheets. Jeongin practically winced at the sight. “Oh no,” Jeongin muttered under his breath in horror, picking up one of the tore worksheets covered in something Jeongin wasn’t sure he wanted to know. Jisung stared Jeongin down as if he were challenging him to say anything about his choice of note-taking. “We have a lot of work to do.”

 

   For the first half hour, they redid all of Jisung’s notes, the boy never uttering a word as Jeongin babbled on about the proper ways to take notes and how colors would be his best friend considering he didn’t focus all that well. So, with Jeongin’s pristine and neat notes laid flat out on the table serving as an example, Jisung rewrote all of his notes with his headphones blaring music in his ears and Jeongin sorted all of the elder’s notebooks. The second half of the first hour was practically a lecture from jeongin about how Jisung should actually treat his items and not tear up his work or let his binders fall apart but the more Jeongin spoke, the more irritated the other seemed to grow.

 

   “I came here for tutoring. Can we do that now instead of you babbling on about something pointless?” Jisung snapped, and what a good first impression right? Jeongin felt his whole body go cold when Jisung leaned over the table to shove his face into jeongin’s. “I don’t have all day, kid.” and Jeongin huffed. The younger pushed himself away from both the table and Jisung a bit to gather back some personal space. Jisung leaned back into his chair aggressively and let out an exasperated huff as Jeongin kept his mouth shut and pulled out his notes and laptop he used for physics alone. Once more, jeongin began to babble on about Velocity and this time, Jisung seemed to actually be paying attention.

 

   “I like to remember it like PTV. Have you ever heard of that English punk band Pierce the Veil? That’s one way you can remember it.” Jeongin advised with a soft tone as he helped Jisung with one of the problems. The elder seemed to grow more and more frustrated, tongue poking out between his lips as he tried his best to figure out the problem. When he handed the worksheet back to jeongin for him to grade but it was handed back with only one of the five problems correct, Jisung let out a grunt and slammed his pencil on the table. “Hey, no need to get aggressive. It’s okay to struggle but you getting mad isn’t going to help anything -” Jeongin didn’t even get to finish his sentence as Jisung got up and grabbed his bag without another word.

 

   “Shut the fuck up,” Jisung growled and stormed away from the table where Jeongin was left gobsmacked and frankly, a little hurt. However, Jeongin didn’t want him to leave without his fresh, well-done notes and gathered everything in a neat hurry. Soon, Jeongin was rushing out the library door and searching wildly for the elder boy. Jeongin pouted to himself when he didn’t see him right away but took another look to see Jisung escaping a crowd of students and walking with quick, fury-fueled steps. Jeongin chased after him, calling out his name but Jisung only seemed to walk faster. However, Jeongin was fast for his small legs and ended up in front of Jisung, walking backward at a concerning rate. “What?” Jisung spat.

 

   “You forgot your stuff!” Jeongin whined, shoving Jisung’s things into the elder’s chest. Jisung took them roughly and crammed them into his backpack as Jeongin tapped his foot impatiently. “Well? A thank you would be nice.” Jeongin snapped back when Jisung began to walk away, but Jisung chuckled in disbelief before pushing past him.

 

   “Get out of the way, kid.”

 

   Jeongin’s fist clenched, waving them wilding in the air, “I have a name you know!” Jeongin screeched out but he only saw the elder pull out a lighter and a box of cigarettes from his back pockets before exclaiming a loud, bitter,

 

   “I don’t care!”

 

“Asshole,” Jeongin grumbled Under his breath, let his clenched fist fall to his side as he stomped off in the other direction with fire swarming in his belly. How could someone be so… impudent? Jeongin never stopped grumbling under his breath the whole time he walked home, and sure, he was spared some odd looks from others but Jeongin didn’t give two shits about what they thought. Not after how Jisung treated him like the ashes on the end of a cigarette, or the gum Hyunjin relentlessly chewed and always ended up on the bottom of Jeongin’s school shoes. Jeongin’s anger began to simmer away into something more self-conscious and solemn. He wasn’t that annoying was he?

 

Soon, the pristine garden his mother had been perfecting ever since the day Jeongin was born came into view and Jeongin grabbed an orange from the tree near the door on his way inside casually and began to peel it. As soon as he entered, he was hit with the smell of frying peppers and Jeongin hummed to himself in content. “I’m home, ma!” Jeongin called out suddenly, hearing something drop in the kitchen and a tin shriek echoing off of the tile walls. Jeongin rushed in, seeing his mom bending down to pick up a knife but stopping when she saw him come in. Jeongin grinned to himself sheepishly as she stood up straight and pointed the knife at him accusingly.

 

“What did we say about being quiet when you came in?” The woman scolded.

 

“To not do it because when I yell suddenly it scares you and causes problems?”

 

   “That’s right.” She wacks him with the towel draped across her shoulder in the butt once before letting him have some mercy. “School okay? How did that tutoring lesson go?” The woman inquired as Jeongin dug through the pantry to find some snacks he could sneak over to Seungmin’s and Woojin’s place. Sure, they generally had food but they tended to go through it within the first hour, so Jeongin always tried to provide as well. Jeongin didn’t want to think about the tutoring lesson, that dumb boy’s face lingering in his head and causing a fit of unhealthy anger to swirl in his stomach and his heart to beat at a much faster rate. His mother must have sensed this. “Oh? So not so good then…” Jeongin gulped And straightened his shoulders. Jeongin May have been angry but he was determined. He didn’t want his mom to try and get him out of this.

 

“Don’t worry about it, ma. I’m determined to help him.” Jeongin claims, but the woman seems rather unsure about it all. Luckily for Jeongin, she didn’t push it any further and the boy was left to do what he needed to do before he headed over to Seungmin’s house. “I’m heading over to Seungmin’s in a few if that’s okay?” Jeongin uttered suddenly, not meeting his mother’s eyes. Sure, the woman was lenient and let him do far more things than he probably should have been allowed to do at only 16, but Jeongin’s mother didn’t always like for her son to be out all the time. She felt as though she never really got to see him anymore, and it was kind of the truth. She had been seeing someone, a kind man that Jeongin didn’t hate per se but he was just very… awkward with Jeongin and Jeongin tried not to get himself into any more of those situations.

 

“Oh… I was hoping you could stay at home for dinner with Yesung tonight.” The woman pouted, a hopeful lilt to her tone and Jeongin winced. “Honey… I have to ask.” Here it is. “Do you… do you hate him?” It felt like Jeongin had already had this discussion a thousand times but his mother had never been so direct with him with that look in her eyes; that insecure glint in her eyes that said everything she was too scared to admit. Jeongin’s face fell and he immediately guided his mother down into one of the kitchen chairs so they could actually have this discussion together. It was a long time coming anyway.

 

“No… No of course not, ma. We just never clicked is all.”

 

“So… you don’t hate him?”

 

“No. I think he’s very good for you. He obviously cares for you a lot.”

 

Seo Yesung is an… interesting character. Jeongin knew he was a good man, so his tall, buff exterior with hands that could snap Jeongin in half didn’t really intimidate him. Though, his tough exterior was a complete opposite to his personality as he was a very awkward lab technician that was clumsier than Michael from The Office. To put it lightly, Jeongin didn’t enjoy being called ‘champ’ and ‘sport’ every time he had to speak to Yesung. And it wasn’t as if Yesung had no experience with children either, he had a son that was a few years older than Jeongin that the boy hadn’t ever actually met, but surely he wasn’t that awkward with his own son right? Any other kid wouldn’t have wanted it, but Jeongin just wanted to be treated like a son, not his girlfriend’s kid.

 

“Jeongin… just give him a chance okay? He’s really trying to be close with you.”

 

“I know…” Jeongin trailed off with a sigh but added in a sheepish, “but I’m still going over to Seungmin’s tonight.” The woman let out a loud groan, falling back into her chair in exasperation. “Think of it as a date night! If you’re lucky I might even stay the night!” the last comment earned him a slap to the chest with a rolled up towel and Jeongin burst into a fit of giggles as he dodged the various hits thrown his way. Eventually, though, Jeongin ended up darting up the stairs to escape his mother, slamming his door and locking it so she couldn’t get in with her dangerous, rolled up towel. “Listen, ma!” Jeongin called out through muffled laughter, but the woman claimed that she ‘wasn’t going to listen to a boy who was so disrespectful’ “Ma!”

 

“Fine!”

 

The woman stopped trying to force open the door and Jeongin let out a shaky, laugh ridden breath to find his wits and the right words. “I’ll hang out with him soon, okay?” Jeongin crossed his fingers, hoping that for even a moment his mother would believe him. She must have considering she muttered out a low, passive-aggressive ‘Fine. If that’s how you want to be.’ and walked away. Jeongin felt like he could relax finally, falling back onto his bed to allow the blood to flow back out evenly to all his separate limbs. Meanwhile, all the events that started from this morning to him accidentally pouring the milk before his cereal, almost knocking down a whole bookshelf in his literature class, spilling his lunch all over his backpack, and finally, his failed tutoring session with Han Jisung. Jeongin didn’t really have high hopes, but he had to admit that he was unbearably stubborn and he wouldn't give up as quickly as Jisung probably wished he would.

 

“Jeongin! If you’re going to go to the Kim’s you need to go now!” Jeongin’s mother called out from downstairs, prompting Jeongin to bolt up and nearly screech in the process because he almost fell off the bed. Jeongin called out a loud ‘Okay!’ as he stumbled out of his uniform and into much more comfortable clothing before he practically slid down the stairs and landed on the balls of his feet at the very bottom. “Here. I packed the snacks.” Jeongin’s mom threw him a large bag of snacks that Jeongin just barely caught in time after shoving his phone and charger into his back jean pocket.

 

“Thanks, ma.”

 

“Have fun. Tell Seungmin and Woojin I said Hello.”

 

And then Jeongin was out the door, darting across the street with a shriek when he saw a fast approaching car that was all too familiar. Though, Jeongin didn’t get too far as the car stopped and the window rolled down revealing Seo Yesung’s face. “Hey, Mr. Seo.” Jeongin waved awkwardly in the elder’s direction, braces on full show. The man seemed to be confused and upset all the same and asked why Jeongin wasn’t joining him and his mother that night, “I’m sorry! I have studying to do with my friend and I figured you and mom could do with a night to yourselves.” Jeongin explained, watching Mr. Seo’s face morph into one of shock, “Bye, Mr. Seo!”

 

“What did I tell you about calling me that?” Jeongin winced, turning back on his heel to face the man.

 

“Sorry, Yesung Hyung.”

 

“Good. Now go study.”

 

Jeongin didn’t watch him pull into the driveway before bolting full force into the Kim family home, without knocking particularly, and slamming the door behind him so he could slump against it with a deep breath. Jeongin flushed when he saw Woojin, Seungmin, Minho, and Hyunjin eyeing him wearily from the couch. “Sorry.” Jeongin has apologized a lot in the last half hour. “I brought snacks.” When Jeongin shook the bag, Hyunjin perked up like an excited puppy and approached him with open arms. “Wait, no, Hyung, please.” Jeongin squeaked out, dodging Hyunjin three different times before he learned to just drop the bag of snacks on the floor and race so he was buried against Woojin’s protective stature. Hyunjin left him alone after he dropped the bag, stealing it for himself and sitting down in the spare living room chair.

 

“Pass me a pack of gummies,” Seungmin muttered casually from behind Minho, the two wrapped around each other on the couch with their feet pressing harshly against Woojin’s thighs. Hyunjin threw the pack full force, but when they almost hit Minho in the face, Woojin reached over and caught them with a huff. Woojin pointed at Hyunjin with the candy occupied hand and a scolding glare, the younger sinking down in his seat in embarrassment. Though Woojin wasn’t much better as he threw the bag at Seungmin’s exposed side with an equal amount of force, it just made everyone giggle.

 

“You’re going to be a good brother in law.” Minho piped up with a cheeky smile, and Woojin eyed him carefully before flickering his eyes over to where Seungmin stared blankly at the TV.

 

“Last time I checked, my brother was rejecting all of your advances.” Woojin pointed out with a matter of fact tone, Jeongin and Hyunjin snickering in amusement.

 

“If that were the case, then why is he cuddling with me right now?” Minho retorted with a smug smirk, but that unfortunately gathered the younger’s attention rather quickly and Seungmin looked down at Minho with a confused, almost irritated frown.

 

“I told you I was just lonely, Minho Hyung.” Minho being Minho though, he really didn’t hold any shame in terms of flirting with Seungmin…. Or anyone if Jeongin were to really think about it.

 

Minho saw his chance and he took it, bringing Seungmin closer by the waist and pressing a wet kiss to his throat while purring out a low “I can make you less lonely, baby.” But this only earned him a quick shove off of the couch and he ended up landing on the floor with a grunt and a thump.

 

“I am no longer lonely.” Seungmin crossed his arms over his chest, ignoring his pouting hyung as the other burst into fits of laughter. Minho never really left his spot on the floor, just sitting up so his back was against the couch and he could at least lean the back of his head against Seungmin’s knee discreetly. No one needed to know that Seungmin willingly shifted a bit to offer up his knee for the elder, not even Minho.

 

“When are you going to stop rejecting Minho hyung? I’m tired of hearing him complain all the time.” Jeongin spoke up from his spot cuddling in Woojin’s lap, looking innocent all curled up against the elder but everyone there knew better. Realistically, Jeongin was truly a baby satan in disguise. Seungmin snarled his nose up in discomfort at the thought of dating Lee Minho, the same guy that had been nothing but a nuisance since Woojin brought him home in the fifth grade.

 

“I’ll go on a date with Minho when Woojin finally gets in a committed relationship.”  Whistles echoed in the room, Jeongin and Hyunjin ‘ooo’ing on the sidelines as Woojin glared his younger brother down into the couch cushions he was lying on. It wasn’t unknown how much Woojin struggled to stay in a relationship. Every girl he had been within the past just didn’t seem to fit and the longest relationship Woojin had stayed in was about a month and a half. Woojin’s sexuality was fluid, he just never really found the right guy to even consider dating so girls tended to be his only option. Seungmin liked to argue that Woojin was just in too much denial about his sexuality and far too scared to do anything about it too. It was aggravating at times.

 

“You hear that, Woojin Hyung? Me getting with my one true love resides on you.” Seungmin kneed Minho in the back of the head for that. A silence fell over them as they all began to pay attention to the drama playing, but when the commercials began to run, Minho broke the silence, “Hey, Innie,” Jeongin hummed in acknowledgment, “how did tutoring go with that boy today?” Everyone’s attention snapped to Jeongin at that question, waiting impatiently for a response.

 

“He’s absolutely the rudest boy I’ve ever met.” Jeongin huffed out in irritation, which prompted Woojin to sit up with a sudden, tense jolt. Jeogin wasn’t all too surprised when the elder asked if he needed to ‘teach the punk a lesson’ and responded quickly. Woojin had an undying soft spot for Jeongin, so when the younger was incredibly soft with him, for example placing a hand to his chest while he sat in Woojin’s lap and whispering to him that it was okay, Woojin would relax completely. That was Jeongin’s go-to method if he were honest. “He’s just a bit… bitter. But I’m determined to help him.”

 

“If he gets a bit too much, you know where to find us,” Hyunjin uttered and Jeongin smiled to himself warmly. These guys were his family.

 

“Thank you.”

 

**Green**

_**You looked so good in green** _

_**I hope you're well** _

Despite everything, despite whom Jisung came off as, despite what he’s done in the past, and despite everything that revolves around him in the world, Han Jisung had the most sensitive soul to date. Han Jisung was emotional, a romantic, and a practical baby all wrapped into one personality that he shoved way, way down until he was alone with his notebook with no one else home. It really wasn’t the best coping mechanism and was unbearably unhealthy, but Jisung was guarded beyond belief. Perhaps it was just the way he was raised to be or the reputation he had gained once he hit his second year of middle school, either way, Han Jisung was a bully to anyone and everyone around him and it would take a lot to change that.

 

Now, he wasn’t a bully per se, but others liked to shove him loosely under that category just because he was snappy, bitter, and somewhat aggressive depending on the situation. Though, he didn’t nearly have the anger issues of a certain Bang Chan, a man that had graduated a year ago that practically everyone feared except for Jisung and his best friend Seo Changbin. The two knew better than to just blindly assume that Chan was naturally aggressive when in fact, he was emotionally unstable and is now on medication, no longer living at home with his drunken aunt and heroin-addicted uncle. Chan was doing a lot better now.

 

Jisung wasn’t dumb either. Sure, he struggled to retain and process information in the way teachers usually gives it to him, but in no way was Han Jisung an idiot. He wasn’t dense, he knew more about most people than they would probably be comfortable with because he was so good at reading people. Jisung could randomly name a fun fact just out of the blue; some days it annoyed Changbin to no end, other days it helped him not tear his hair out when everything just seemed to be too much. In a lot of ways, Jisung was bittersweet.

 

Like citrus.

 

But getting through the excessive bitterness was a hard thing to do, even for Jisung. Because as he sits on the hill that overlooks the entire city with his open notebook between his finger, he still found himself tearing down the walls, disbanding them for the time being so he can let all the emotions he had been holding in for weeks at a time spill out onto the page and into words that make sense to Jisung and only Jisung.

 

The same scene from a few nights before plays over and over again in his head, the same soft cheeks, crescent eyes, pink lips, and vibrant ginger hair cascading down a green sweater covered back. God… She looked so good in green. But none of that was for him anymore, and he knew that too. Sure, it hurt, it twisted his chest until he couldn’t breathe anymore and caused tears so heavy in his eyes that he struggled to see even the basic outline of a person approaching him on the street. However, seeing her locking lips with a tall, handsome guy Jisung hadn’t ever seen before with the same, but slightly more glittery look in her eye that told anyone who read it right that she was happy. Seoyoung was so happy with that guy she was with, and it left an odd, but a satisfied feeling in Jisung’s heartbroken mind. He was just happy to see her beaming.

 

He just missed her with every fiber of his being.

 

Jisung hadn’t even realized he was crying until he finally noticed how blurry his vision was, and how damp his frantically moving hand had become. His shoulders shook and his head throbbed, but it had been a while since Jisung had cried and there was no way he was not going to cry when the opportunity was thrown his way. Though luck just didn’t seem to be on his side today as Jisung heard the crunching of dying grass under a pair of probably worn sneakers Jisung could already see in his head and a hand landed on his shoulder along with a raspy, “Jisung? Are you crying?”

 

Jisung rubbed harshly at his eyes, grunting out an aggressive denial while shoving Changbin’s hand off his shoulder. “All right, all right, damn.” Changbin huffed but didn’t leave Jisung’s presence. In fact, the elder situated himself down onto the grass beside Jisung before lying back and staring up at the sky. Any other time, Jisung would have taken the time to study his hyung to try and find out if anything was wrong, but Jisung was too busy trying to stabilize his breathing and keeping his tears at bay as he furiously wrote down the words on his page. Due to his mind being elsewhere, Jisung was oblivious to Changbin watching him in concern before he had enough and sat up to press their arms together. “What are you writing, Ji?” Changbin poked politely, trying not to force it out of him just yet, but frowned when his plans failed.

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Doesn’t look like nothing.” Changbin’s tone was far from teasing now, not even flinching when Jisung snapped his head up to meet Changbin’s wide and curious eyes.

 

“I said it was nothing.” Jisung gritted out and began to write much more furiously, handwriting barely recognizable at that point. Changbin had enough of the secrets, the empty lies, and the walls Jisung had put up all the time around him and Chan. He was so done with it all.

 

The interaction was quick and aggressive; Changbin plucked the notebook from Jisung’s vice grip and scrambled up when Jisung began exclaiming, “Hyung! Give it back! THat’s not yours to read!” Jisung screamed it over and over again, becoming more and more desperate and panicked as Changbin began reading more of the words on the page. Of course, Jisung kept fighting to get it back from the large hands of the gremlin in front of him but Changbin placed a firm hand against Jisung’s chest to shove him back when he got too close. The cries in Jisung’s throat began to die out, croaky and raspy from the overuse of his voice and tears began to well up in his eyes again when Changbin’s face dropped and everything clicked in his head.

 

The notebook fell to the ground with a deafening rustle of grass. Changbin hadn’t hesitated to wrap Jisung up in a hug, prompting the younger to freeze for only a moment before shoving the elder away. “Ji…” Changbin trailed off cautiously, reaching out to grab the ends of Jisung’s sleeve but Jisung was angry, and when he was angry, he was blind. A hand flew sloppily right towards Changbin’s face but didn’t make an impact with anything other than a firm, callused palm that caught it with ease. “None of that. We’re not freshmen anymore.” Changbin spat but Jisung didn’t say a word. His eyes said everything he wanted to for him, ‘are you happy now?’ they said, and Changbin… Changbin felt guilty. “Why didn’t you tell us you were still hung up on her?”

 

“It was none of your business.”

 

“Like hell, it’s none of our business. Jisung, we’re about to graduate; you can’t keep shoving down your feelings like a child. We’re family, and family tells each other everything.” Jisung laughed bitterly, shaking his head in disbelief. What the hell were they supposed to know about honesty?

 

“Don’t you start with me about honesty, Hyung.” Jisung hissed out, dangerously low. Jisung wasn’t entirely certain about his suspicions, but he felt his heart sink a little when Changbin froze; Jisung couldn’t hold back anymore. “Don’t start with me about honesty when you hid everything from me about such a big part about yourself. Don’t start with me about honesty when you and Chan couldn’t look me in the eye when I asked if something was going on between you two and you said no. Don’t start with me about honesty when I vividly remember seeing you pinning one of the freshman boys against the walls and making out with him in the locker room last year. Don’t even utter that word, Changbin Hyung, because you’ve been everything but honest.”

 

Changbin was rendered absolutely speechless. In the back of his head, he guessed he always knew that Jisung was at least slightly suspicious, but he hadn’t ever really chose to acknowledge it for the sake of his own anxiety. But seeing the betrayed look in Jisung’s eyes after he just ranted shamelessly about Changbin’s sexuality and all Changbin could do was stare at him like a goldfish hurt more than he would ever be willing to admit. “Jisung… I -” Changbin wasn’t even sure what to say. How does he respond to his friend outing CHangbin to him for Changbin? ‘I’m sorry?’ Changbin felt a headache easing it’s way up as Jisung’s intense gaze somehow intensified if that was even possible at that point.

 

“What, hyung? Did you think I wasn’t going to support you?”

 

“Jisung… You know how it is now. You know how difficult it is for us to even utter those words under our breath. If… If someone were to find out….” Changbin choked on his own words, coughing out to clear his throat and jolting his head to the side to keep himself from crying. “I was scared okay? I can barely accept it myself, because what I am… _Who_ I am… I’m going to die alone, Jisung.” The saddest part of it all was that Changbin joked about that last part quite a lot, but now Jisung was beginning to see just how serious Changbin was secretly being all those times he ‘joked’ about it. Changbin genuinely believed there was absolutely no hope for him when it came to love and that made Jisung’s heart lurch in his chest.

 

“Hyung, listen to me, you’re not going to die alone, okay? Just because you’re into guys, doesn’t mean you’re not going to find you, someone, to hold at night.” Personally, Jisung thought love was fucking stupid, but Changbin was obviously infatuated with the idea of settling down and actually loving someone, and even if Jisung didn’t understand it entirely, he’d do anything to see Changbin happy. “We’ll find you a nice man - Or woman, I’m not sure what you’re exactly into - and they’re going to love you.” Changbin snorted at that, tugging Jisung into a tight hug and just holding him for a while; this time, Jisung didn’t hesitate to hold him just as tightly.

 

“I think I’m only into guys.”

 

“Cool. I’ll start guy hunting for you tomorrow.”

 

“You’re a mess, Han Jisung.”

 

“I’m your favorite mess, though. Now. let’s go get ice cream.” Changbin noticed how Jisung seemed to be shielding away the notebook, the thoughts, and questions that had sprung all of this about as well, but Changbin didn’t fight it. He didn’t have the energy. They’d talk about it later though, Changbin swore it. “Strawberry for you right?” Jisung double checked when they arrived at the ice cream parlor, a comfortable hand resting along his shoulders and but eyes trained on the multiple flavors put out in front of him. The cookie dough flavor was really calling his name right now. Changbin hummed in confirmation, “all right,” But Jisung paused for a moment, turning back towards Changbin with an indecisive expression. “Should we get something for Channie hyung?” Changbin thought for a moment.

 

“I would. Get some orange sherbert for him.” Changbin claimed before escaping back outside into the warm night of the city and allowing Jisung to order and pay on his own.

 

Jisung almost choked on his own spit when a familiar face rounded the corner, a scarily familiar one that made Jisung want to run and never look back. But Jisung was strong and equally as stubborn so kept his ground and heart calm. Since when did Seoyoung work here?  “Hi. Can I get a cup of orange sherbert, a cup of cookie dough, and a cup of strawberry?” Jisung remained cool, calm, and collected, if not bitter as well. Seoyoung stared at him for a minute, trying to figure out if Jisung even recognized her, but Jisung refused to meet her eyes and instead looked unnecessarily interested in the ice cream.

 

“Of course.” Her voice was as soft as Jisung remembered it being, and his stomach rolled in discomfort. Jisung stop.  With an awkward exchange of glances, Jisung slipped her the money and took the ice creams in a hurry, but struggled to balance them in his hands. Somehow, someway, Changbin must have sensed he was making an absolute fool of himself so escaped back into the ice cream shop to help Jisung with the ice cream cups.

 

“You’re so slow, kid,” Changbin muttered impatiently, stealing both Changbin’s and Chan’s cups from Jisung’s hands and guiding him out without even letting Jisung look over his shoulder at her one last time. Jisung wondered if maybe something different would have panned out if Jisung to look over his shoulder and see her again; to give her that look that said ‘i’m still not over you and I’m not sure I ever will be over you.’ “Don’t you dare look back at her. We’re not doing that shit anymore.” Changbin hissed into Jisung’s ear and the younger had to refrain from bursting into tears and or cussing Changbin out right then and there. “You’ll thank me later.”

 

The walk back to Chan’s apartment, home really, was quiet. It was comfortable, it was just too quiet for Jisung’s taste. “Tell me about your day.” Changbin choked on his ice cream at that.

 

“Since when have you been one for small talk?”

 

“Since now.” Jisung snapped back and Changbin put his arms up in the air in surrender. “So tell me. Any cute guys?” Jisung saw Changbin freeze for a moment, momentarily forgetting that Jisung knew now and it took a lot of willpower not to slap Changbin upside the head for his stupidity.

 

“Well…” Jisung’s eyes lit up, “I hate to break it to you, but cute guys are rare nowadays.” Jisung’s bright-eyed, beaming expression dropped into a scowl with a snap of Changbin’s fingers. “Don’t give me that look. I’m not going to get my hopes up right now. That would just be dumb on my part.” It was true really. Changbin was focusing on his thesis and getting into college right now, so boyfriends really weren’t up for discussion. Jisung huffed, shoulders sinking slightly. “How’d tutoring go by the way?” Jisung scoffed, ready to jump into a long rant about how annoying the kid who was tutoring was, but Changbin stopped him before any noise came out. “Wait. I probably should have waited until we’re with Chan and I know he’s gonna ask and you’re gonna rant again. So, let’s not waste oxygen, yeah?” Jisung just pouted.

 

When they made it to Chan’s apartment, they didn’t even bother knocking before unlocking the door and creeping inside. Unsurprisingly, Chan was sat at the kitchen table, face illuminated by his laptop screen, and just barely gazing up to see the two walk in. “Hey, losers,” Chan grunted out, taking a sip of over-caffeinated coffee that Changbin was quick to confiscate. “Hey! I just made that!” Chan whined out, but Changbin shook his head dismissively.

 

“No coffee after eight, Hyung. You have to sleep with your medication.” Changbin snapped. Chan didn’t try to argue, diverting his attention to Jisung who plopped himself down into the chair across from him after slamming his blag down on the floor.

 

“What’s up with you?”

 

“It’s been a rough day.”

 

“Don’t I know it. How’d tutoring go?”

 

Changbin winced, “he’s so insufferable! And controlling! He kept pestering me about keeping up with notes and rewriting them! I was ready to throw him out the window!” Jisung breathed out in exasperation, lighting a cigarette as he made his way over to the window over the sink so the smoke didn’t infect the entire apartment. “Like, he’s too bubbly. Too sweet.”

 

“And you’re bitter right? Match made in heaven.” Chan teased, but it earned him a slap on the back of the head from Changbin who set a glass of water down along with the pills Chan had to take for the third time that day. All Jisung could think as he stared out the open kitchen window was the dainty figure practically tattooed into his brain. She was wearing that same green sweater that Jisung loved oh so dearly.

 

_She looked so good in green._

  


**It’s U**

_**I guess it's just another one of those nights** _

_**When I'll spend way too much time** _

_**On something so small that no one really cares about at all** _

 

Waking up to your mother banging pots and pans over your head at 7:45 in the morning is already a pretty rough start to the day, but when it’s taken into consideration that class starts in half an hour and it takes twenty minutes to get there in the first place… it just gets rougher. “Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! You’re going to be late!” Somehow, someway, Jeongin’s mother’s voice overpowered the loud slams of the pots in her hands, and Jeongin could already feel his headache being sprung about. The woman didn’t stop until Jeongin’s feet hit the ground and he went running towards the bathroom, not only to escape the loud noise but get a move onto his normally one-hour routine shorted down to a scary ten minutes. Jeongin didn’t even bother showering.

 

“Breakfast is on the table whenever you’re ready.” Jeongin’s mom announced once the banging of the pots and pans stopped, and Jeongin let out an unsteady breath when he heard her trail down the stairs. His mother, despite how much he loved her, really did give him anxiety a good portion of the time because she was far too unpredictable for Jeongin to handle her properly. He just really hoped that the trick she just pulled would be the end of it and Jeongin could go about his day normally without having to worry about anything she might do.

 

Jeongin didn’t worry too much about his hair, just pulling on his wrinkled school uniform, socks, and shoes and making sure the uniform looked at least a little presentable so none of his teachers or the administration, in general, got onto him for not keeping himself neat looking. As a last minute resort, jeongin figured he could spare a few seconds so wet his comb and aggressively combed down all of the stray, wavy springs sticking out from his head but it only seemed to make the whole look so much worse. “Did I kill a baby in my past life or something? DO I really deserve all of this?” Jeongin muttered to himself angrily, climbing down the stairs to shovel all of the food his mother had laid out for him, consisting of apple slices, a piece of toast, and a banana, into his mouth before walking out the door.

 

Jeongin didn’t even get to brush his teeth.

 

Of course, he didn’t realize this until they pulled up to the school, and if his luck couldn’t get any worse, he didn’t have a piece of gum and the bell was going to ring in two minutes. “Bye Mom!” Jeongin rushed out, grabbing his unzipped backpack and rushing towards the front gates, ignoring the familiar face hovering outside with a cigarette between his lips. Unfortunately for Jeongin, some of the papers he had to stuff into his backpack had fallen out and landed on the poor cement of the parking lot outside the school and probably wouldn’t ever see him again. At least, those were his thoughts when he arrived at his Physics class late and his homework was nowhere in sight. “Did I _really_ kill a damn baby in my past life or something?” Jeongin hissed under his breath, but instead of being angry it was more of an undignified distress call.

 

Poor Seungmin was the one who had to listen to his best friend practically lose his mind next to him, “Jeongin… Are you okay?” It really had been one of the dumbest questions Seungmin could have asked, and the elder only realized it after Jeongin turned to face him slowly with this empty look in his eyes that said ‘utter another word and I’ll eat your soul.’

 

“Does it look like I’m okay?” Seungmin just put his hands up in surrender. With a swipe of shaky fingers through jeongin’s greasy locks and an aggressive rub of the heel of his palm against his sweaty forehead, Jeongin raised his hand and grabbed his teacher’s attention. “Mrs. Choi?” The woman hummed in acknowledgment from where her stance was hovering over one of the other student’s desk across the room, “I can’t find my homework.” Jeongin had many, many fears, but his number one had to be receiving the look he was getting from Mrs. Choi at that current time. Mrs. CHoi was someone he looked up to; she was the only teacher that actually knew what she was doing in this godforsaken school and Jeongin had vowed that he would do everything in his power not to receive the look she only gave to the students who disappointed her. Shit.

 

“I’ll let you off this time, Mr. Yang. Find it and bring it to me Monday or it’ll go in as a missing grade.” Ok. Ok, Jeongin could work with that. Jeongin let out a slow, deep breath, letting his eyes flutter shut and forehead hit the table top. Seungmin flinched at the loud bang but was far more concerned for his friend’s health than being startled So, if the elder placed his hand on Jeongin’s thigh to grab the younger’s attention and frown like a concerned older brother, that was his own business.

 

They had a silent conversation between the two of them, primarily through the flicker of eyes and erratic hand movements that made them seem absolutely insane, but the two had stopped caring a long time ago.

 

‘What’s going on with you?’

 

‘ROugh morning.’

 

‘Well, chill out.’

 

‘Make me, loser.’

 

‘Disrespectful brat.’

 

And that was the end, as Jeongin childishly stuck his tongue out and Seungmin suddenly grabbed it between his thumb and the side of his pointer finger. Jeongin began to make loud, whimper like noises that dragged the attention of everyone else in the classroom, even poor Mrs. Choi who was trying to help the kids who didn’t understand the homework she assigned the night before. “Boys! If I see anymore horseplay between the two of you, you’re going outside into the hallway!” Jeongin stiffened, shooting Seungmin pleading, desperate eyes and the elder immediately let go of Jeongin’s practically numb tongue. Jeongin sunk down into his chair with a pout and his stomach twisting in uncomfortable guilt. Jeongin hated being even in the slightest bit of trouble.

 

“Hey, Hey, calm down, yeah? This isn’t going to alter how she looks at you.” Jeongin wasn’t entirely sure how accurate that was, but he appreciated the effort Seungmin was putting forth to make sure he was okay and breathing regularly. At the time, Jeongin was pretty out of it so he didn’t notice the worried glances Mrs. Choi and Seungmin exchanged before and after looking at Jeongin mutter to himself as he angrily scribbled out the words ‘FIND HOMEWORK’ across the whole Friday section of his agenda with his initials engraved perfectly into the leather bound cover. The only thing Jeongin felt were the eyes on him and he jumped to the conclusion that they were cruel and judgemental. Jeongin hated being judged.

 

The urge to just burst into tears that moment was unbearable but Jeongin kept himself together. It wasn’t over the missing homework, though it may seem like it at the time, Seungmin and Jeongin both knew that whenever Jeongin cried, it was because he was too overwhelmed. Seungmin must have sensed it too, (or maybe Jeongin was just too obvious with his trembling fingers, shaky breathing, and lack of relaxation in his shoulders) because he secretly pulled out his phone and airpods before stuffing one of them in Jeongin’s left ear and playing calming, classical music. Sure, Jeongin flinched at the sudden touch, but he felt his worries melt away for a while as he just listened to the beautiful sound of the piano. Jeongin felt himself relax even more when he recognized Woojin’s voice over the key tones and sent Seungmin an appreciative look. Seungmin just shrugged.

 

Woojin and Seungmin had files in their phones with Woojin’s recordings inside just for this reason, because for a very long time, Woojin was the only one who could get Jeongin to calm down and snap him out of any sort of daze he was in. There were other methods now of course, but Woojin’s voice just seemed to always be the best way to go about it. “Thank you, hyung.” Jeongin’s voice cracked a bit and Seungmin just patted his knee before jotting down the notes Mrs. Choi had placed on the powerpoint at the front. If Seungmin took notes for two, it just meant the elder was a really good friend and Jeongin was undeniably appreciative of him.

 

The day had just gotten progressively worse as it went on, and Jeongin had soon started to feel like walking was carrying around bins of iron and steel. At one point, right before lunch began and Jeongin met up with Hyunjin outside the gym so they could walk together, the younger climbed onto Hyunjin’s back and almost fell asleep in the process. “As much as I would love to cuddle you, Innie, you better not fall asleep on my back or I will drop you out the open window.” Jeongin snapped his eyes open at that, tightening his grasp around Hyunjin’s neck as if he were saying ‘do it, bitch, you won’t’ when in fact, Hyunjin probably would. “Is that a test, kid? You really don't think I won’t?” Jeongin yelped when Hyunjin suddenly darted from the front of the cafeteria towards the back where all the windows were lined up and proceeded to shove Jeongin’s back against the glass with his own back shoving against Jeongin’s chest.

 

“Hyung! Y-You’re going to kill me!” Jeongin choked out through half took breaths and giggles, and once Hyunjin heard the giggles he backed off with a smug grin on his lips. “You were just trying to get me to laugh weren’t you?” Jeongin breathed into Hyunjin’s ear, grinning to himself when Hyunjin looked back at him with the same smile that made all of the girls swoon.

 

“Perhaps…”

 

“Thanks, Hyung.” Jeongin rewarded the elder with a kiss to the cheek and allowed Hyunjin to carry him over to the lunch table where Seungmin already sat with his packed lunch and his phone in hand. “Who you texting?” Seungmin didn’t hear Jeongin at first, the eldest of the three had to snap his fingers in front of Seungmin’s face when Jeongin finally hopped off his back and the puppy dog looking student finally jolted out of his somewhat irritable daze. Jeongin repeated himself again, “Damn. Who are you texting to make you so attentive like that?” Jeongin snickered out, but he was pretty damn curious even if he had a pretty good idea on who it was.

 

“Fucking Minho Hyung won’t stop sending me pick up lines when I’m trying to get his help for Physics,” Seungmin grumbled out, aggressively typing on his phone and based on the number of exclamation marks between words, it was pretty safe to say that Seungmin was pretty fucking irritated.

 

“You went to Minho Hyung willingly?” Hyunjin questioned with a mouthful of pizza and Jeongin being the motherly friend he was at times, wiped the sauce away from his lips with a spare napkin he pretty much kept on hand. “Thanks, baby.” Jeongin just ignored him.

 

“I was desperate, and he’s a physics major. But now I think I’m more willing to fail than text him first ever again.” Seungmin grumbled, oblivious to the look Hyunjin and Jeongin both shared. They knew deep down that one day Seungmin would realize his feelings for the elder but they learned the hard way to just not push it. Now, they were more focused on finding Woojin a committed partner so he not only found happiness but Minho finally got to take Seungmin out on his dumb drive-in movie with American food and ice cream date idea. Well, primarily because they basically knew every detail like the back of their hands purely because Minho refused to not talk about it at least twice a month. He had been planning it since he was 16.

 

“You could have just asked me.” Jeongin frowned like it was obvious and Seungmin met his eyes with this almost horrified expression on his features.

 

“And have to deal with your extreme organizational standards? No thanks. That kid you’re tutoring can have all of that.”

 

Jeongin crossed his arms over his chest with a pout but relaxed a bit when Hyunjin wrapped him up in a hug and peppered paternal kisses all over his face. “It’s okay, Innie. Seungmin’s just mean.”

 

“Would you put up with my ‘extreme organizational standards’, Hyung?” Jeongin peered up at him expectantly, but Hyunjin just slowly pulled away from Jeongin with nervous laughter.

 

“No, baby.”

 

“Damn. What’s up with you?” The new voice startled Jeongin out of his absolute wits, the boy jumping a bit from his chair and knocking off his pouch of highlighters and colorful pens to the carpeted floor. Jeongin didn’t even answer Jisung, just bending down to grab all of them and lay them flat out onto the table before carefully putting them back into the robot covered zipper pouch in the exact way they had been before. Jisung just watched the whole ordeal with a bored expression. When everything was back in order, the papers lining up perfectly with one another and the long scratch on the table surface, and his pink pencil, a yellow highlighter and black pen were all laid out alongside the three sheets of paper.

 

“Ok. Sit down, hyung.” Jeongin uttered quietly, voice a lot less peppy and a lot quieter than usual. Jisung didn’t pay it any mind though, just flopping down in the chair and watching Jeongin flinch when something went out of place and his shaky fingers reach out to straighten them again. “I uh, put together a worksheet for you along with pretty specific directions on how to work out all the problems…” Jeongin stuttered out, repeating a few of his words a few times when he didn’t like how they sounded, even going as far as to resay the whole last sentence just because it felt too thick on his tongue, as he handed over the two sheets previously on the table. Jisung snatched them from him and stared at it for a moment, the fifteen problems suddenly daunting.

 

“I have to do all of these?”

 

“Just do as many as you need to.” Jisung cracked, coughing out unsteadily and repeating what he said in a much more stable tone than before. Jisung huffed and began to flicker his eyes from worksheet to instruction sheet (and occasionally to jeongin who was rewriting the notes with shaky hands that Seungmin had taken for him today in class, but Jeongin didn’t need to know that.) Jisung didn’t really understand it at first but Jeongin’s instructions were pretty straightforward and Jeongin was there to help if something didn’t make sense, but Jeongin was really too consumed in his own world of guilt from forgetting his homework to really focus on tutoring Jisung.

 

“Listen, Kid. I’m going to go. I’ll finish this later because you’re obviously too out of it to tutor. I’ll see you on Sunday morning.” Jisung muttered before picking up the two sheets, his backpack, and phone before leaving the building. It took the slam of the door for Jeongin to process what had been said to him and Jeongin felt like bursting into tears right then and there. Jeongin snaps out of it. But the condescending voice of Mrs. Choi and the disappointed look she spared him was running over and over again in his head and Jeongin wanted to tear his hair out. Why did he care so much? She would forget him the minute he graduated. But you won’t ever forget her because she taught you to love what you love. Jeongin loved science, loved everything to do with it, and Mrs. Choi was the woman who made him open his eyes and realize that hey, I want to be an astronomer.

 

His respect for the woman was only one effect for him though, as Jeongin cared far too much about what people thought of him and how people viewed him. He was willing to change every aspect of himself just so someone he liked would like him back; that’s why everyone called him the humanized version of Kirby. He could suck the personality out of someone and use it for himself just so someone with a smart brain or a pretty face liked him back. Jeongin hated that part of himself because he was starting to lose sight of who he really was deep inside.

 

Sometime between his thoughts, Jeongin packed up all his things and trailed outside, spotting an all too familiar car with an all too familiar face. Jeongin wasn’t even that surprised to see Minho, knowing that his mother often asked the elder to pick him up if she was busy, and since Minho’s afternoons were free for the most part, Minho was always happy to do it. “Hey, Innie. I’ve got food.” Minho exclaimed with a happy smile once he saw Jeongin but it dropped when he saw that look in his eye. The same look that everyone knew meant that Jeongin was having a bad day and just needed to be in some peace in quiet in the comfort of someone else’s arms. “Oh, Innie.” Minho sighed, wrapping the younger up into his chest and not saying anything more.

 

“Don’t worry about it, hyung. It’s small. It won’t matter to anyone else except me.” Jeongin muffled into Minho’s chest, but the elder understood perfectly. So, there in the middle of the parking lot with the sky a beautiful mix of orange and pink, Jeongin resided in the warmth of Minho’s arms and didn’t ask for anything more of him except his silence, but Minho just had to clarify one last thing.

 

“Do you want to go home and cuddle with Hyung while Woojinnie Hyung plays the piano? Would you like that?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Ok, baby. Let’s go, then.”

 

**Fool**

_**I am just a fool to keep on chasing after nothing great** _

 

Saturdays, while good for the break from school work, the shrill bell, and the dumbasses Jisung had to keep himself from shoving out windows, was practical torture for Jisung. Saturdays, Changbin had work from 8-7 and Chan pretty much disappeared on weekends and never told a soul where he went. So, naturally, Jisung hated Saturdays because he was far too lonely for both Chan and CHangbin to abandon him on what was supposed to be a free day. Though, when Jisung woke up that morning to fresh breakfast, but no note from Chan saying he was going out of town meant that somewhere, Chan was still around and Jisung felt his belly fill with happiness. _Finally_ , a weekend where Jisung wasn’t alone.

 

However, when he searched the apartment, Chan was nowhere in sight and Jisung felt himself deflate. Jisung presumed that Chan was disappearing without leaving notes now and Jisung flopped down onto the couch with a grumble. He twisted and squirmed for a while, becoming bored with the show he was watching quickly and lighting a cigarette in hopes of masking some of the boredom. However, smoking only made him think, and thinking made _her_ come to mind and Jisung internally slapped himself for giving her even a single thought. So, knowing Jisung had pulled his backpack into the living room, going even farther to tug out the work Jeongin had left him along with a pencil and actually looking at it meant he was far too desperate for his own good.

 

Jisung wasn’t sure how much time had passed before the apartment door rattled and opened, revealing a familiar, short man before he walked through the doorway with two bags of groceries. “Morning, Ji.” Chan greeted, casually, with a thud of items hitting the counters following a few seconds after. Jisung croaked out his response, pencil between his lips and looking up with those wide, doe eyes that only a select few got to see. The two were met with silence as Jisung was too preoccupied with work to really talk with Chan; so preoccupied that he didn’t even notice the elder come up behind him and hover over his shoulder to see what he was doing. “Han Jisung? _My_ Han Jisung? The same Han Jisung who failed biology because he thought the teacher looked like the frogs we had to dissect at the end of the year, doing physics homework and actually understanding it?”

 

A thud was heard not long afterward. Chan fell to the ground with a grunt and holding his freshly elbowed stomach. “Shut the fuck up, hyung. I thought you left me again and I didn’t have anything better to do.” Jisung snapped, a loud animalistic growl leaving his lips when Chan stood up and gave him a smirk.

 

“Aw, Ji. Do you miss me when I’m not here?” Chan cood, plopping down on the couch beside Jisung and pulling him into a tight embrace that any other day, Jisung would have fought but today he took whatever physical contact he could get, even if it was from _Chan_. The elder thought he might have understood when Jisung sunk into him, pulling him a bit closer and making themselves comfortable on the couch. “You were thinking about her again weren’t you?” Chan murmured quietly into the younger’s hair and if the way Jisung snuggled his head into his chest wasn’t any indication, the small whimper like noise leaving his lips sure was. “Ji…. You have to stop chasing after something not all that great.” Jisung couldn’t even really retort to that. He just sat up and stared down at Chan with these sad, sad eyes and Chan never wanted to see those again.

 

“I’m just… The thing is, hyung, is that she was so great. She was amazing. I was the one who wasn’t good enough. I was the one who didn’t treat her right, and now she’s much happier and it’s because she let me go.” Jisung knew this, he knew it so well but he hadn’t ever openly admitted to it before. That much was evident as Jisung spoke with such a soft, almost broken tone as he bit away at his already stubby fingernails. Chan sighed, reaching out and pulling Jisung’s hands into his own and grabbing his attention at the same time. Chan was always good with these type of things, always knew how to make people feel better and comfortable and warm and _safe_. Chan was a safe haven in himself and Jisung wished he had known the boy a lot longer than he had. Maybe he wouldn’t be so fucked up now if he had.

 

“Jisung, you’re amazing. There’s so much more to you than what you could ever realize and I just wish you could see that. I wish you could give into those moments that you have instead of letting this bitterness in your heart mask all of that.” Jisung felt his whole body hum with content when Chan placed a warm palm to his heart, stroking his thumb softly along the middle of Jisung’s chest as a comfort mechanism. Jisung was so appreciative of Chan, of who he was and what he did. “Go pack a day bag. I’m taking you on a road trip.” Chan lightly patted Jisung’s cheek and slipped out of the living room to his own small room where he kept all of his things.

 

Jisung kept quite a few of his things here, so packing a day bag really wasn’t all that difficult, Chan just took twenty million years. “Don’t you disappear on short notice? What is taking you so long?” Jisung whined from outside Chan’s room, seeing the black hooded elder stuff a notebook and laptop into his bag. “Are you really going to work on music wherever you’re going?” Chan offered his friend a small smile before responding with a tiny ‘Trust me, Ji. Where I’m taking you, you’ll want to work on music.’ and now Jisung was mildly frightened.

 

It was rather unsurprising that Chan had walked out in comfy clothes, a baggy black hoodie, equally baggy pants, and black boots, and Jisung walked probably way overdressed with his cap, mask, leather jacket, white shirt, and black jeans and shoes, but this was _his_ look and Jisung wouldn’t trade it for the world because _damn_ he looked hot. “You might want to get some shut eye. We’ve got nearly a four-hour drive ahead of us.” Chan murmured and Jisung immediately slipped off his jacket to cover himself up and lean back in the chair so he could let his eyes droop. Realistically, Chan and he would have stayed awake to talk to one another but they would be around each other all day so they saved it for later when they would have to eat and make small talk.

 

Eventually, hours later when Chan felt his body begging for food, he stopped at a familiar restaurant at the bottom of the mountain and shook Jisung awake with a soft hand and an equally as soft kiss to the cheek. “Hey… Hey, wake up, Ji. You’ve gotta eat.” The younger grumbled and whined, shaking his head with a pout and sinking deeper into the car seat. Chan rolled his eyes and leaned his face in real close, knowing exactly how to get the younger to wake up, even if it was a little gross and Chan would probably have to disinfect his tongue later. With quick movements and slight nudges of his nose against Jisung’s skin, Chan licked a long stripe from the base of Jisung’s neck and up to his jawline and blowing cool air on it before Jisung would have enough time to react. The younger screeched, Chan clambering out of the car in laughter and mild fear knowing Jisung would fully beat him up if Chan didn’t dodge him for at least a few minutes.

 

“Hyung! You’re so gross!” Jisung screeched, grabbing for a nearby pebble and launching it towards Chan’s head. The elder dodged it with ease and ran up behind Jisung last minute and hauling him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. “Hyung!” Jisung squirmed in Chan’s hold, but the elder slapped a firm hand against his ass as a warning and Jisung sighed loudly a few times like a little kid. It was only when they got to the wrap around porch outside the restaurant did Chan allow Jisung to get back on his feet. With a chime and quiet hellos from the two men, the hostess at the front greeted Chan with a smile and glanced at Jisung in confusion.

 

“Oppa, whose this?”

 

“This is Jisung. He’s joining me on the mountain today.” Chan explained politely, so politely that Jisung eyed Chan wearily because he was scared that it was probably fake. Based on the look in Chan’s eyes, it most definitely was and Jisung found himself snickering into his knuckles. “So, table for two.” Chan hurried the process along and the girl snapped out of her lovesick daze and grabbed two menus with a blush on her cheeks. Chan’s false smile dropped and he shared an exasperated look with Jisung before following the petite teenager towards a table within perfect view for her to see from the hostess stand; it was the table Chan sat at every single time he came here.

 

“You pulled a few hearts, Hyung?” Jisung winked, watching the elder roll his eyes with a smirk on his lips. Jisung loved seeing Chan suffer in times like this because he was so uncomfortable when it came down to females in general, especially ones who were around Jisung’s age, if not younger.

 

“She’s like sixteen and has asked me out three different times. I’m scared that if I show up, here again, I’m going to get arrested!” Chan hissed under his breath so aggressively, Jisung sputtered out into loud, boisterous laughter that attracted the attention of the many customers around them and the restaurant staff too. Jisung could practically feel the glares of the teenage girl piercing his back but Jisung being Jisung, he completely ignored it. Eventually, they fell back into silence and a man who looked to be slightly older than Chan approached their table with a bright smile and wide doe eyes that gave Jisung’s a firm run for their money. “Hey, Hyung.” Chan breathed out quietly, dodging the excitable eyes of the waiter and Jisung eyed him wearily.

 

“Hey, Chris. Same as usual?” Even this man’s voice matched his lanky, thin but somehow still ethereal form and Chan flushed, nodding. It had been a long time since Jisung had heard anyone call Chan by that name so hearing it come out of a stranger’s mouth felt… _odd_ to him. It wasn’t a bad odd though, and Jisung found himself curious as to who this - Jisung squinted his eyes to read the name tag - _BamBam_ was. “And what can I get for you?” BamBam turned towards Jisung suddenly, causing the younger to startle for a moment and scramble for the menu. Jisung tried to stutter out anything that seemed nice on the menu but BamBam must have sensed he needed more time as he chuckled to himself quietly. “Take your time, kid. Tell me what you want to drink and i’ll come back to take your food order.” Bambam assured and Jisung breathed out a sigh of relief.

 

“Water is fine. Sorry for making you wait.” Jisung apologized but BamBam waved him off without so much as another look before walking away completely. Chan made a noise, a low, guttural one as he sunk down in his chair and pulled his hood over his head to shield his face a bit. “So… what are you then?” Jisung uttered out quietly, being mindful of everyone around them and Chan’s level of discomfort. Chan froze up like a glacier, eyes blown wide and body ready to bolt at any moment and Jisung’s eyes softened considerably. “Hyung…” _It’s okay_. Jisung grabbed for Chan’s hand over the table and watched Chan tense for only a moment but then relaxed completely.

 

“I-I’m not sure. I just…. I just know I fall for people when I really know them and I really like them. Gender doesn’t really matter to me.” Chan murmured and Jisung found himself staring at the grooves of the table in wonder. Sure, he knew the sexuality spectrum was pretty large, but he guessed he hadn’t ever really thought about the possibilities at hand. Jisung had never really been attracted to guys, and if he ever was then he never acknowledged it, but hearing Chan say that… it just made so much sense. “Ji? Are you okay?” CHan spoke up from the other side of the table with a concerned furrow of his eyebrows.

 

“Can we… Can we talk more about this later, hyung?” Jisung hushed out and while it gave Chan a spike of anxiety, he was more concerned about the terrifying glint in Jisung’s eyes at the time. So, the elder uttered out a quiet ‘sure’ and waited for Bambam to come back with their drinks and notepad ready to order. When BamBam walked off the second time, Jisung made a mental note to ask him about the longing stare he spared the waiter as he walked away. However, just for now because he was feeling nice, Jisung left it alone and basked in the blissful feeling Chan so graciously provided him on this fine, breezy Saturday trip up to the mountains to just think and write lyrics for a while. Chan wasn’t lying when he said that Jisung would want to work on music while they were up there and for once… as Jisung was writing down all the thoughts in his head -

 

Jisung felt like he could maybe move on from something not all that great.

 

The following Sunday, Jisung trudged into the library with messy clothing, hair, and eye bags, but it wasn’t as if he really gave a shit about his appearance considering the circumstance. It was a rainy Sunday of all days and Jisung was kind of ready to throw himself off of the nearest bridge. If death meant sleep, than Jisung would take it in a heartbeat. “Morning!” Jeongin chirped from his seat in the back of the library when Jisung flung himself into the chair across from the younger. Jeongin didn’t deflate at all, even when Jisung shot him a dirty look for being way too loud and way too peppy for this early in the morning. Jisung was suddenly craving the quiet, fidgety Jeongin back just for the sake of his massive headache.

 

“Hey,” Jisung grumbled out once he realized Jeongin was expecting a greeting in return. “What torture device are you using on me today?” A tense silence fell over them for a moment, Jisung flickering his eyes from Jeongin’s tightened, sour expression to the way he was more aggressively highlighting parts of his rewritten notes. Jisung never bothered to correct himself because to him, this really was torture even if it was going to be the only reason he got to graduate in general. Jisung smirked to himself smugly when Jeongin took in a deep breath, letting it out through his pursed lips and relaxing his jaw to smile at Jisung with a sickeningly sweet smile.

 

“Actually~” Jeongin started off, tugging out a packet of work and letting it fall onto the table. “We’re catching up on all your missing work so you can get rid of all those zeros in the grade book. I’m starting to think it’s your favorite number, _hyung_.” Realistically, if Jisung really wasn’t so ungodly tired that morning, he very well would have slapped that smug little grin off of this stick for a boy but refrained for the sake of his graduation. This kid was always testing every ounce of Jisung’s patience and he was ready to make his life hell. If everyone thought he was a bully before, they’ll definitely think he is now. “I’ll be here to help you though, and I’ll guide you through it as much as I can. I even brought some of my work too.” Jeongin jumped ahead and Jisung’s internal anger simmered away just a tiny bit. Maybe he could rethink the whole making Jeongin’s life hell idea

 

Eventually, though, Jisung catches Jeongin way too deep in his own head again and tried to snap him out of it. “Hey! Don’t waste my morning, kid!” Jisung snapped, throwing a paper ball at Jeongin’s forehead but this only seemed to catch a small glimpse of his attention. Jeongin looked up at him, but he wasn’t looking _at_ Jisung per se. The elder frowned, a growl escaping the depths of his throat as he began to dig through his backpack and dug out a very familiar paper and slammed it on the table. “Here. You dropped this coming into the school on Friday and I forgot to give it to you at tutoring.” Something about it seemed to trigger a response in Jeongin’s empty body and the boy snatched it from the table with a wide smile.

 

“Oh my god, I’ve been looking for this everywhere! You’re a lifesaver! I could kiss you!” Jeongin screeched, shiny braces on show as he smiled a smile that looked like it hurt a little too much. Jisung narrowed his eyes, backing away from the table deliberately.

 

“Come near me and I’ll rip your tongue out.” Jisung threatened but Jeongin remained absolutely unbothered. He just sat there in his chair practically vibrating with happiness as he clutched the paper close to his chest and watched Jisung do his work. Jisung wasn’t sure why the younger was so happy, but he was sure as hell not going to ask and just decided to stay quiet in case Jeongin started breaking out into squeals again.

 

 _Yeah_. Jisung thought.

 

_Yeah. Okay._

 

**Another One Of Those Days**

_**I guess it's just another one of those days when I'm missing everything** _

 

There was a feeling of absolute content as Jeongin cycled through the streets of downtown, humming to himself and bobbing his head along to the drum playing through his earbuds. Jeongin had successfully turned in his missing paper along with all the other work he owed that particular morning, and even received praise for how much better Jisung was doing in terms of grades. Jisung actually graduating was able to be seen now, even if it was tiny. Jeongin had a good day, and instead of walking home with Seungmin, he decided he wanted to cycle around and feel the breeze of the city. If Jeongin noticed the flash of disappointment in Seungmin’s eyes, he surely didn’t dwell on it or spared it any sort of second thought.

 

   A giddy giggle erupted from the depths of his throat when he went down a particularly steep hill, dodging passengers with ease and Jeongin began to remember all the times he used to do this. He missed it. He missed feeling free and allowing himself to relax for a while. When high school came around and Jeongin was thrown into all the top classes he could take, he was swamped with nothing but school work and studying, and the luxury of relaxing was swept right out from underneath his feet. However, relaxing wasn’t the only reason he wished he could cycle more as when he was like this, his repetitive and picky tendencies tend to fade away for a while and his need for the constant structure was gone within at least three heartbeats. Jeongin missed that feeling.

 

   Apologies alongside giggles tumbled straight out of Jeongin’s lips every time he happened to startle a poor pedestrian on the sidewalk, but due to his sudden carefreeness, he found himself not caring all that much. However, Jeongin slowed his roll a bit when he finally made it to a familiar small convenience store in the middle of the shop strip and parked his bike outside. Jeongin just really hoped that no one would actually steal his bike, and made a mental note to not be in the store for too long. In and out, jeongin.  The boy knew exactly where he was going in terms of what he wanted, but the ultimate decision between gummy worms and peanut butter chocolate was harder than it should have been.

 

   How was he to decide what was best for him? How was he to decide between the smooth velvet taste of chocolate draped across the salty texture of peanut butter and the chewy, grainy sweet and sour gummy worm that just provided a bit of spice in his life? Jeongin stared at the Reeses cup packet in one hand and frantically flickered his eyes over to the gummy worm packet in the other. Jeongin felt like he couldn’t breathe suddenly and realized he couldn’t make this decision so pulled out his phone shakily. Jeongin searched frantically for Woojin’s number before pressing call and placing the phone up against his ear.

 

   “Hello?”

 

   “Hyung, I need your help.”

 

   “What? Are you hurt? Jeongin, where are you?”

 

   “I can’t decide between Sour gummy worms and Reeses!”

 

   There was silence over the phone for a moment, Jeongin nibbled on his lower lip in both anticipation and natural habit, but before Woojin could decide, a new voice sounded from behind him. “You should get the reeses.” Jeongin jumped ten feet into the air, yelped dramatically and held a hand to his fast beating heart before whirling around to face the person attached to the gruff, raspy voice. Faintly, Jeongin could hear Woojin practically yelling into the phone asking who Jeongin was talking to, but Jeongin uttered out a quick and sharp ‘see you later, hyung.’ and hung up on the poor, panicked elder man.

 

   Jeongin studied this stranger stood in front of him, the tattoos and piercings along his arms being one recognizable feature if the face wasn’t either. He was a senior that attended Jeongin’s school, Seo Changbin and seen to be one of the deadliest guys out there. The rumors of Changbin once killing a student in the bathroom flashed into his head and JEongin clutched the reeses a bit tighter. If Changbin noticed his tense behavior, he must have taken it upon himself to make sure Jeongin didn’t end up freaking out by flashing him a soft smile that could make just about anyone melt. “Though you might want to get another pack because the one in your hand seems to be crushed,” Changbin advised, reaching behind Jeongin to grab another Reece’s pack and slipping it into Jeongin’s hand after taking the old one to put back.

 

   It was then that Jeongin noticed the pack of sour gummy worms in Changbin’s hand. “Thank you.” Jeongin hushed, trying to dart past Changbin and never look back but the elder spoke up and Jeongin was far too friendly to ignore him.

 

   “You’re Jeongin right? The really smart kid who helps other kids graduate?” JEongin had been asked that question before and every single time it was never friendly. So, of course, Changbin just had to be slightly different in that regard and have one of the softest voices ever. Jeongin slowly nodded his head. “You’re a smart kid. You’ll go places.” Changbin grinned and cupped JEongin’s shoulder gently to take him up to the counter. If Jeongin didn’t get everything he needed, he definitely didn’t say anything and kept his mouth shut for the time being. “Did you get everything you needed?” but surprise, surprise, Changbin could practically read Jeongin’s mind and Jeongin was met with a silent dilemma. Did he tell Changbin? He didn’t want to be an inconvenience and Changbin was obviously trying his best to be nice to him - “If you didn’t then that’s okay. Just go get whatever you need.” Changbin shrugged far too casually for Jeongin’s liking, but the younger scrambled off anyway.

 

   One of the things Jeongin really needed were face wipes and cleansing foam, but he was met with yet another dilemma. Which brand does he buy? This is why you don’t go to the store anymore, Jeongin. “Having trouble again?” Changbin’s voice echoed again from behind Jeongin but the younger wasn’t as creeped out or scared as he was last time. Jeongin simply nodded his head and moved aside for Changbin to worm his way into view. The elder looked over all of the options before grabbing a baby blue face scrub and a packet of peach colored face wipes. “These are pretty easy on all skin. My friend’s and I all use these brand a lot.” Instead of taking Jeongin back to the front, he followed the younger around and proceeded to help him make decisions without much of a care.

 

   This went on for about five more minutes until Jeongin had what he needed and trailed up to the counter with Changbin behind him. “I’ll pay for your things since you helped me make my decisions.” Jeongin murmured quietly, offering Changbin the softest of smiles not many people got to witness, but it only made Changbin frown and insist that it really wasn’t necessary. “I’d like to do this for you, hyung. Let me be kind, yeah?” Changbin still seemed unsure, so Jeongin took the items out of his smaller hands to place them on the counter. The cashier seemed bored out of her wits as she scanned all the items and all Jeongin could think about was making her slightly happier. “I like that hair color. Suits you.” Jeongin whispered and the woman stopped scanning the items for a second. A crimson (not too far off from what her dyed hair was) coated her cheeks as she swiped a hand on the back of her head.

 

   “Thanks, Kid.” Jeongin looked pretty damn happy with himself when he left the store making at least one other person smile, even if it was tiny.

 

   “Cute,” Changbin muttered under his breath with a dazed, fond glint in his eyes as he glanced towards the younger. Jeongin seemed like someone Changbin needed to protect, so perhaps that’s why he didn’t let him leave just quite yet. “How far away do you live? I could walk you home.” Changbin offered, fondness fluttering in his chest when he saw Jeongin scuffle his feet shyly. Surprisingly enough, Jeongin described the general direction Changbin had to go for the night, “Oh? I have to go that way as well.” Changbin grinned and Jeongin nibbled on his lower lip anxiously. He didn’t know Changbin all that well, and sure he just bought the elder’s food but that was purely out of the kindness of his heart. How did Jeongin know if Changbin would kidnap and kill Jeongin?

 

“Some company would be nice…” But Jeongin was feeling carefree that day and if he died because he did something nice for someone else, then he’d say that’s a pretty damn good way to go out. So, they headed on, talking about small things such as school and hobbies. “So do you live over here or are you visiting a friend?” Jeongin quirked his head to the side like a small child and Changbin internally cooed at the cute sight.

 

“Just visiting. My dad’s been dating this lady for a while and he wants to me to meet her and her son tonight so I’m headed over to her house.” Changbin shrugged, “I actually live with my best friend over on the other side of town.” The other side of town meant the hood, and Jeongin tensed for a moment. Changbin must have sensed it too. “It’s really not that bad. If you know the people, then you’ll be just fine.” And that was the end of that, Jeongin jumping straight into genuine interest conversation and the two quickly realize that they have a lot more in common than they originally believed. Changbin already felt like an older brother to Jeongin, and that was without him knowing what he was going to be met within a little under five minutes.

 

“Jeongin? Jeongin!” Jeongin snapped his head up, seeing Woojin approaching them with fast footsteps, and Minho not too far behind him. Changbin tensed at the two new faces, vaguely recognizing them but just not sure where from. Jeongin cursed under his breath before Woojin and Minho reached them, putting on a shy smile when Woojin stood in front of him. “You okay? Any injuries?” Woojin kept firing questions as he inspected Jeongin and Minho slowly took the cyan bike away from the younger. It was then that Woojin got rid of his tunnel vision for a second and actually acknowledged the sketchy looking guy walking Woojin’s practical little brother home. “Who the hell are you?”

 

When Jeongin saw the snarl he had learned to fear over the years appear on Changbin’s face, he immediately placed a hand to Woojin’s chest, relaxing when the muscles under his hands relaxed. “Hyung, this is Changbin. I go to school with him and we ran into each other at the store. He was just walking me home,” Jeongin explained, and Woojin eyed Changbin with less caution but still wearily.

 

“Are you who I heard on the phone?”

 

“Yes.” Changbin gritted out through his teeth and Woojin’s shoulders relaxed completely.

 

“Well… Thank you.” Woojin murmured and suddenly the whole environment around them changed. Woojin and Changbin began to stare each other down and Jeongin and Minho watched with wide eyes.

 

Woojin had never looked at anyone the way he was looking at Changbin, and they had just met. If love, at first sight, wasn’t real before, then it was definitely real now. “Does this mean I’ll get to go on a date with Seungmin soon?” Minho whispered into Jeongin’s ear as to not ruin the moment between Woojin and Changbin, and for the first time Jeongin felt like he could actually answer yes to this question and it be honest. Jeongin just nodded his head though, and Minho made a small noise of delight that snapped them out of their dazes. “Sorry.” Minho smacked a hand over his mouth dramatically and Jeongin had to elbow him in the ribs for his complete utter stupidity. “Ow! You little devil child!”

 

And the four walked for the rest of the way, Changbin and Woojin looking like they were trying to stay away from one another but failing miserably and the other two watched with wide smiles. “Well, this is me.” Changbin pointed to… Jeongin’s house. Jeongin’s face paled, thoughts racing and then it all clicked into place. Holy shit. “What?” Changbin frowned in concern, stepping towards Jeongin but the younger only gaped at him like a fish. Woojin decided that he was going to step in because obviously, Jeongin was incapable of words.

 

“That’s Jeongin’s house.” and then Changbin was matching him in skin tone.

 

“You’re the son?” They both exclaimed at the same time, and Woojin and Minho winced at the volume.

 

“Well… looks like Changbin is going to join the crew.” Minho broke the silence and Jeongin laughed in disbelief before whirling around to race towards the house with Changbin’s wrist in his grip. Changbin squirmed in Jeongin’s vice, almost painful grip but the younger didn’t let up. Not even for a second. Jeongin tried to open the door with shaky hands, but the key just wouldn’t go in the slot and -

 

“Hey, Hey, give me the key.” Changbin hushed and peeled the silver key from the younger’s fingers and unlocked the door with ease. Jeongin shoved open the door aggressively and stormed around the house until he found his mother in the kitchen with Yesung making dinner and giggling like a bunch of teenagers. Jeongin was far too gobsmacked and angry to form proper words so he just stood there, trembling and clenching his fist so tightly he was sure to lose blood flow completely in the limbs there. “Hey, dad.” Changbin finally spoke up, startling the two adults stuck in their own world and prompting them to whirl around with gaped open mouths. Jeongin’s mom glanced between Changbin and Jeongin with wide, guilt-ridden eyes.

 

“Uh… Hey, Bin.” Yesung coughed out, nudging his lover slightly to get her snap out of her shell-shocked daze. Changbin flickered his eyes over to Jeongin for a moment, just to make sure he wasn’t going to do anything he regretted and even going as far as to grip the back of his uniform tightly, even if it caused wrinkles Jeongin would stress over later. Another cough rang out and Yesung spoke up for the second time. “So… I see you two have already met so no need for introductions, right?”  It was a stupid question really because Changbin still didn’t know the name of the lady his father had been seeing so the younger turned to her with a polite smile and stuck his hand out for her to shake.

 

“Hello, I’m Changbin.” The younger introduced himself, bowing respectfully and the woman chuckled softly in disbelief almost. Changbin got that same chuckle a lot, a surprised one, but this one had been for a different reason.

 

“You must get your straightforwardness from your mother because your father is unbearably awkward at times.” Jeongin and Changbin snickered at this, and the elder teenager decided that he liked her already. “I’m Sowon.” and then the same tense silence fell over them again. Jeongin and his mother seemed to be having an intense discussion with their eyes, and Yesung pulled Changbin away to help set the table so the two could properly hash it out. “I’m sorry, I should have told you we were having guests but you haven’t been home, Jeongin!” The woman sighed out in complete exasperation, but Jeongin just grits his teeth.

 

“You could have just texted me or something!”

 

“I shouldn’t have to.” The intensity of the air around them dropped dramatically when Jeongin dropped his eyes down to his shoes in guilt. Sowon sighed and rubbed her son’s shoulders in comfort. “I want you home more, Jeongin. I never see you anymore and it’s scary not knowing where my baby is anymore.” That had been the end of it; Jeongin shifted forward to wrap his mother up in a warm hug and the two just stood there for a while. It had been a long time since they had hugged like that and Jeongin was beginning to realize why he missed his mother’s touch so much. She was warm, and safe, and home.

 

“I’ll try and be home more, mom. I promise.”

 

“Good. Now help me finish making dinner.”

 

Dinner was awkward, which was expected, but Jeongin could feel himself flinch every time silverware clinked a bit too loudly against porcelain. He wished this bullshit could be over and done with so Jeongin could lock himself in his room and study for the day but it seemed time was going backward instead of forwards. “Changbin,” Jeongin wanted to make a noise of both contempt and relief but kept it inside where it was safe and controlled. Changbin flickered his eyes up in acknowledgment. “What was your first tattoo?” That was not the question Jeongin was expecting her to ask but was pleasantly surprised nonetheless.

 

Changbin placed his chopsticks gently down on top of his bowl and slipped his cap off his head to point at the wave behind his ear. Small, discreet, and easy to hide. Smart. “My older sister and I got matching ones. She’s currently studying to become a marine biologist like my mom -” Changbin stopped for a moment, unsure if he was allowed to talk about his mother there but Sowon just leaned forward in anticipation with a gentle smile tugging at her lips. That seemed to be enough reassurance for Changbin to continue. “And she’s all the way in Malaysia at the moment so we got matching ones to remind ourselves that no matter what, even with the distance, we’ll always be close.” CHangbin murmured with a fond smile and Sowon cooed at that.

 

“You must be very close then….”

 

“Yeah. She’s great.”

 

“My brother had tattoos. I always wanted one myself.”

 

“I plan on getting my tattooing license soon, you should let me do one of your tattoos.”

 

“Ah. You and Jeongin could run a shop together. He’s good with numbers and business management.” Sowon suggested around a mouthful of food, Yesung having to wipe away the stray food around her lips with a white napkin and a slight huff of amusement. Changbin turned towards Jeongin with a small smirk and a glint in his eye. Jeongin merely eyed him wearily as he slipped a bit more ramen into his mouth.

 

“What do you say, Yang? Business partners?”

 

“It’ll take a lot more than just a few honied words to sway me, Seo.”

  
  


**Taking Care Of Things**

_**I'm gonna take care of things** _

_**There's things I need to sort out** _

 

Determination, by no means, was Jisung’s strong point. More times than not, he would wake up to the feeling of Changbin or Chan wrapped around him (Even if it was the ghost of a touch considering Jisung was really bad about waking up before 11) and would just whine and toss because he didn’t want to face the world that day. Productivity only came in the form of music and, recently, school work, but that was only because of the raven devil Jisung had been stuck with for the past month and a half every Monday, Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday. Sure, the more they spoke the more tolerable Jeongin became, but Jisung still wanted to beat the kid’s head into the nearest wall if possible sometimes.

 

He was just far too snappy at times, too organized and too picky. It made Jisung want to scream sometimes, especially when Jeongin made him rewrite all of his notes when they weren’t to his liking. Though, Jisung had to admit that the notes he had to rewrite a few times were notes that Jisung retained far more and actually remembered when tests came along. Jeongin may have been the human version of the devil at times but he helped Jisung a lot. (And if he caught himself thinking about how endearing Jeongin was when he was an excitable giddy mess as he was writing lyrics on the hill at one in the morning, that was entirely his business.)

 

The familiar screaming of Lee Felix blared through the semi-dark room that particular fall morning, Jisung grunting and flipping his body around only to accidentally slap Chan in the face. The elder whined at the sudden loud noise and harsh hit to the face, pouting cutely when he pulled Jisung towards him in a suffocating grip. “Brat. Why are you so abusive to Hyung?” Chan poked at Jisung’s tummy but gave the younger enough wiggle room to grab his phone, turn off the loud alarm, and slip the device between his own stomach and Chan’s when he pressed back up against the elder.

 

“Maybe you shouldn’t have been where my arm went, Hyung,” Jisung muttered bitterly, voice slightly whistled and croaky from sleep but he only attempted to fall back asleep for the sake of his own, pounding head. “Hyung… My head hurts.” Jisung whined suddenly, clutching his phone tightly when Chan pressed a gentle, sleepy kiss to his forehead. “Do I have to go to school? It’s useless!” Jisung sat up suddenly, peering down at Chan and trying to ignore how bad his headache had gotten from the sudden movement and loudness of his own voice. It took a second for Chan to register that Jisung had moved, blinking slowly at where Jisung had been before to where he was now and Jisung cooed at the sight. Sleepy Chan was always one of the most adorable sights to both Jisung and Changbin.

 

“You need to graduate, Ji.” Chan smacked lightly at the younger’s stomach before letting his arms retreat back under the safety and weight of the multiple blankets. Jisung huffed at that, slinging his body back down onto the bed and underneath the covers. Jisung splayed his hands across Chan’s warm stomach, sides, and back, rubbing up and down and humming in content when Chan kept peppering kisses against his forehead. “You okay?” They weren’t sure how much time passed between the start of their cuddle session and the question, and Jisung wasn’t sure what to say. Was he okay? He didn’t know.

 

“I think so.”

 

“Let me know if you need anything, Ji,” Chan paused, gripping Jisung’s chin a bit so he could pivot his head to look Chan in the eyes. “And I mean _anything_. I’m here for you.” Chan whispered, running his fingertips gently over the apple of Jisung’s fluffy cheeks and the younger felt like he was going to burst into tears.

 

“You’re getting kind of boyfriend on me, Channie Hyung.” Jisung laughed, Chan, picking up on the bitterness to it pretty easily, didn’t say anything when Jisung slipped away from him to sit up on the edge of the bed. “Are you getting up?” Jisung yawned out, stretching his arms over his head to reveal a part of his stomach and Jisung ignored the flicker of Chan’s eyes and the slight flush to his cheeks. He’d rather not think about it if he were honest. Chan just simply shrugged. “I’ll make you some coffee anyway in case you decide to get up,” Jisung rasped before escaping out of the room and slipping down the hallway quietly as to not wake Changbin on the couch. Except, the elder wasn’t there at all and Jisung frowned deeply at that. “Channie hyung?”

 

“What?” Chan called out from the bedroom.

 

“Where’s Changbin Hyung?” That seemed to grab Chan’s attention immediately, the elder climbing out of bed to pad down the hallway and inspect everything. Changbins shoes, keys, and his backpack were gone, but Changbin never went to school early so that’d be a bit odd of him. “Should I call him?” Jisung wondered, turning back to Chan for permission and the elder nodded his head, hovering over Jisung’s shoulders as he unsteadily navigated through his phone to call Changbin.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Where are you?”

 

“Well good morning to you too, Ji. Jesus,” Changbin griped over the other end of the line, and Jisung huffed in irritation.

 

“We woke up this morning and you weren’t anywhere to be seen. Answer my question,” Jisung rudely demanded, tensing when he heard hushed whispers on the other end of the line along with some rustling.

 

“I’m at my dad’s girlfriend’s place,” Changbin grumbled through the phone. “We fell asleep watching a movie last night and she didn’t want me to leave so late at night considering the buses didn’t run anymore,” Changbin finished, knowing fully well that Jisung wouldn’t take the first part of the explanation by itself.

 

“Alright… Are you coming home first or are you going straight to school?” Jisung wearily inquired, shuffling on his feet as he stared at Chan over the kitchen island.

 

“Straight to school. I don’t have enough time to come all the way home. Do you think you can bring me a fresh shirt and some cologne though?”

 

“Sure. Just don’t be late.”

 

“Yes, mother,” Changbin snickered before he hung up and the phone beeped angrily in Jisung’s ear. The apartment went as quiet and as still as if the two currently residing in it weren’t awake, but Jisung didn’t really mind as he sat his phone down on the countertop.

 

“He’s with his dad again. For the fourth night in the last two weeks,” Jisung grumbled to Chan, aggressively opening the fridge door to pull out a carton of banana milk and taking quick gulps out of it. Jisung didn’t hesitate to look Chan right in the eye as he did so too because he knew how much it pissed the eldest off.

 

Chan’s nose wrinkled up in distaste but he continued to eat his toast in peace. “He’s just getting to know his dad’s girlfriend, Ji.”

 

“Do you think he’s going to move out?” Jisung fired out, crossing his arms over his chest in what he thought looked intimidating but what really seemed more insecure than anything. Chan just chuckled lowly and shook his head.

 

“No, Ji. He’s going to college soon, remember? We’re all going to get a new apartment when it comes closer since you’re not going to college apparently.” Chan reminded him softly and Jisung deflated, rubbing at his forehead in a stressful manner.

 

“Right…”

 

“Go get dressed, Ji,” Chan shooed him off and Jisung escaped into his bedroom with a huff.

 

“Oh my god, you’re a life saver,” Changbin breathed out the moment Jisung walked up on campus with a cigarette between his lips and a white button up in his hands. Jisung didn’t say anything, hanging over the white button up and digging around in his pocket to find the cologne Changbin asked for. “Thanks. See you in a bit?”

 

“Are you coming home tonight?” Jisung completely dodged Changbin’s by asking his own, crossing his arms over his chest, in the same manner he had earlier that morning with Chan and Changbin’s shoulders slumped in confusion.  
  
“Of course. Why are you asking?” Changbin questioned with a frown and furrowed eyebrows. Jisung didn’t look him in the eye after that, taking an aggressive drag from the cigarette between his lips and thumbing at the end lightly.

 

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with your dad… I just wasn’t sure.” Jisung knew how childish he sounded, but Changbin and Chan were the only things Jisung had anymore. He thought his possessive behavior was well justified. However, Changbin obviously didn’t think the same thing if the snarl on his features said enough.

 

“Don’t be like that, Jisung. He’s my dad. You’re still my best friend and I’m still going to live with you. So, there’s no reason to be so bitter,” Changbin tutted, punching Jisung in the gut to make the younger cough and double over in pain. “Now, put out the cigarette and let’s get going. You can’t be late anymore.”

 

Jisung ended up ditching Changbin at lunch when the elder was nowhere to be found and Jisung surely didn’t want to go searching for him in fear of finding something he didn’t want to see. So, the younger went off campus and found a small noodle stand a block down from the school.

 

Everything had been going great. Jisung didn’t have to wait for his food, it was piping hot when he received it, and everyone left him alone after he sat down at a table with his headphones on and head lowered down into a defensive hunch.

 

Of course, something just needed to go wrong.

 

Out of the corner of his eyes, Jisung saw a figure approach the table and sit down on the bench on the other side, staring right at Jisung as their well-manicured fingers picked up their chopsticks and began to dig into their dish. Jisung froze when he slowly peeped his head up and saw that it was Seoyoung sat in front of him eating away. All the boy could do was gape at her until she looked up at him with a shy, anxious smile. “Hello, Jisung,” She bowed her head politely.

 

It took Jisung a moment, but he bowed his head back politely as well. “Hello,” He whispered, not trusting his voice to not crack if he went any higher in volume.

 

A tense silence draped over them thickly. “How are you?” She dared to ask. Jisung wasn’t sure what to say. He hated lying to her but he didn’t want her to think he was weak and vulnerable. Jisung simply shrugged and aggressively stuffed food into his mouth.

 

“You?” Jisung smiled smugly to himself when his voice didn’t crack that time.

 

“I’m well,” She murmured happily, looking content with herself and Jisung felt his heart flutter at the sight. “I wanted to talk to you… I hope that’s okay.” No. No, it really wasn’t okay but Jisung wasn’t about to say that either. He knew better.

 

“It’s fine,” Jisung muttered, suddenly losing his appetite.  

 

Seoyoung coughed awkwardly, cocking her head to the side for a moment before she began speaking. “We ended on a rough footing and I feel as though we shouldn’t have considering everything,” She started, wording her statement carefully in fear of setting the younger boy off. “You were one of the best people in my life, Jisung-“ lie. “And I really do appreciate everything you did for me just to make me smile-“ lie. “But… I don’t regret my decision in ending things. I do think we were much better off being friends so you had time to get your school life together and I had time to get my mental state together.” Truth.

 

Jisung just wasn’t sure what to say. Everything she was saying was stuff he already knew, even if some of it were lies.

 

“I… I miss you, Jisung. I miss being friends with you. I want to be friends again,” Seoyoung murmured, eyes glossing over as she spoke with the same passion Jisung had fallen in love with. But Jisung couldn’t lie to her and tell her that they could he friends again and everything would be okay.

 

Because it just wasn’t true. “You shouldn’t,” Jisung croaked, setting his chopsticks over the span of the box in front of him. “Want to be my friend again, I mean. I’m still not over you, Seoyoung… so being friends and talking to you again will only set me back further in me trying to get over you.” Seoyoung gaped at Jisung in shock. “You… you deserved a lot better, and I deserved a lot less. You were the best thing that happened to me and maybe I do deserve to have you dangled in front of me with no real chance of having you, but if I can prevent that… I will,” once Jisung starts talking, he can’t stop, and he hates it. So, he tries to Will his mouth shut. “I just need more time, Seoyoung.”

 

Jisung didn’t know if she watched him walk away or not. The curiosity ate away at his insides and it’s a miracle he didn’t turn around and see if she was or not. Jisung couldn’t show any more weakness around her than he already did. Even after all these months, Seoyoung still has Jisung wrapped just as tightly around her finger and Jisung wished he could tear himself away from it.

 

But despite everything, Jisung was content.

 

Seeing her, and talking to her was something that Jisung needed. He didn’t get everything off of his chest, but a lot of his feelings weren’t in any type of state to be shared. Because even after all these months, Han Jisung was still a broken-hearted mess who relied too heavily on Seoyoung’s happiness when it wasn’t his responsibility anymore.

 

“Well… you seem like you’re in a good mood,” Jeongin murmured the moment Jisung tugged open the library doors, stepped through, and approached the table Jeongin sat at with calmness oozing out of him comfortably.

 

“Shut Up and tutor me, kid,” Jisung hummed, And Jeongin gazed at him weirdly before digging through his backpack and pulling out a few colorful sheets of paper.

 

“Since you’re retaking a unit test, I figured some review might be good this time. It has everything, but I mostly took what you struggled with and put together both good ways of solving them and a bunch of them. You don’t have to finish them today but I figured since you’re taking it tomorrow, it might be best if you finished it now-“ Jeongin kept rambling after that, but Jisung just tuned him out, a small smile on his face because all he could think about was Seoyoung. “-Jisung? Jisung! Stop smiling it’s freaking me out,” Jeongin snapped his fingers in front of Jisung’s face, stopping with a whimper when Jisung grabbed his wrist tightly.

 

“Don’t snap in my face, I’m not a dog,” Jisung forced out through gritted teeth, a smile still tugging at his lips, and Jeongin nodded, gulping. Jisung let go of Jeongin’s wrist aggressively, watching the younger tear his arm away and look anywhere else aside from Jisung.

 

“Get your packet done,” Jeongin grumbled.

 

“Aye, Aye, Captain,” Jisung saluted, opening up the packet and reading the first question. Luckily for him, the questions were straightforward, and not long in wording as if they were created specifically by Jeongin himself for Jisung’s benefit. So, that paired with the instructions Jeongin gave him beforehand and the past experience, Jisung managed to work through them at a slower but still steady pace. In fact, he felt a little good once he got past the first page.

 

He’d never admit it out loud, but it was a nice little souvenir from this absolute shit show of an experience. Jeongin remained relatively quiet from the other side of the table, tapping his fingers to the rhythm inside his head and humming quietly but left Jisung alone for the most part. Occasionally, he’d pipe up and correct Jisung when he saw him doing a problem wrong, but Jisung never got too snappy with him in response.  

 

The quiet would have unsettled anyone else in that situation but for them, that meant a tutoring session gone right.

 

WEll, until Hyunjin came barging into the library with a wild expression. “Innie! We need to go!” Hyunjin threw his arms around Jeongin’s neck from behind. Jeongin went limp in Hyunjin’s arms and looked entirely unamused by the situation as he finished rewriting the section of his calculus notes.

 

“I have thirty minutes left here. You’re just going to have to wait,” Jeongin snapped, seemingly oblivious to the way Hyunjin recoiled a bit at the harshness. However, Hyunjin simply huffed and threw himself down in the seat beside Jeongin and glared Jisung down until the younger slowly tilted his head up menacingly to glare at Hyunjin right back. What was this guy’s problem? “Stop distracting him, hyung. He needs to finish this!” Jeongin kicked at Hyunjin’s leg under the table.

 

Jisung didn’t bother holding back the smirk tugging at his lips before he started working again, but Hyunjin wouldn’t stop fucking moving around in his seat and huffing in annoyance as if he were some spoiled child whose mother told him no for the first time. “Would you stop moving? I can’t focus!” Jisung hissed so suddenly, so harshly, that both Jeongin and Hyunjin flinched back with wide eyes. Jisung didn’t feel an ounce of regret when he saw the fear cloud Jeongin’s eyes for a few moments.

 

“Hyung, go outside,” Jeongin squeaked, elbowing Hyunjin in the side for added effect. The elder raven-haired boy with plush lips and perfect teeth gaped in shock at Jeongin, unsure as to why he was suddenly betraying Hyunjin and on Jisung’s side but Jisung felt accomplished nonetheless. “Go get ice cream or something. Go bother Woojin at work. Just go somewhere else. I don’t need you being a distraction,” Jeongin shooed him off without any sort of second thoughts and Hyunjin stormed off with his bag thrown over his shoulder and an evil look in Jisung’s direction.  

 

Jisung followed his figure out, even going to turn around to watch Hyunjin turn around the corner dramatically and he found himself laughing in pleasure. “He seemed angry,” Jisung coughed out, turning back around to focus on the sheet but Jeongin continued taking notes, seemingly unbothered but Jisung didn’t care enough to properly study him.

 

“He’ll get over it. He’s just dramatic. Finish your packet.”

 

Jisung did as he was told, and for once, the two walked out of the library calmly and collected with no sort of screaming after the other thirty minutes later.

 

**Big Bowl In The Sky**

_**If I'm friends with everyone** _

_**Or have nobody at all** _

_**You helped me see that either way** _

_**There's a place where I belong** _

 

Every other Saturday, Jeongin, Woojin, Seungmin, and Minho all go to the movies, sometimes Hyunjin tagging along when he didn’t have work, but for the other four, this had been a tradition ever since Woojin could drive.

 

At first, Woojin was more or so forced into taking his little brother to the movies for a bonding experience as his father liked to put it, but after a few Saturdays, Minho and Jeongin joined their little adventure and the older they became, the better Saturday’s became too. Jeongin got along well with Woojin and Minho despite the age difference, and despite Minho’s relentless attempts at flirting with Seungmin and the younger starting a fight with him as a consequence, Saturday’s became the foundation of their group.

 

Today, they were seeing Death Bell, a famous horror movie and Jeongin was practically bouncing off of the walls in excitement. Despite what people might think, Jeongin absolutely loved horror movies.

 

Well… it was more of a love-hate relationship due to the fact that he loved the production of the movies and the stories, but they just weren’t ever scary to him. Jeongin more or so had a list of what horror movies made him unsettled and the ones that didn’t. So, every time a new horror movie came out, he _had_ to see it. “Do we really have to watch this? I want to sleep tonight,” Hyunjin whined out as Woojin bought tickets, clinging to the elder’s back in hopes of coaxing him into backing out last minute. Woojin continued speaking to the ticket employee as if Hyunjin hadn’t said anything at all.

 

“Don’t be scared, Jinnie. I’ll cuddle you,” Minho cooed, circling his arms around Hyunjin’s shoulders to drag him off of Woojin and Jeongin found his eyes flickering over to Seungmin to watch the younger’s reaction. Surprisingly, so much so that Jeongin was sure his eyes were deceiving him, a gleam of annoyance flashed in Seungmin’s eyes and the boy crossed his arms over his chest in a defensive manner.

 

Hyunjin groaned loudly but didn’t push Minho off. “You’re already on Seungmin duty.” Jeongin probably would have doubled over if he wasn’t trying to be discrete when he saw a look of relief and content flood through Seungmin’s eyes when Minho sighed and removed his arms. Though, his next action completely contradicted that statement.

 

“I’ll be fine, and quite honestly, I don’t want to touch hyung. He’s all yours, Hyunjin,” Seungmin grumbled bitterly, looking elsewhere as he spoke and swaying slightly. Jeongin half expected Minho to be hurt by what Seungmin (falsely) claimed, but it seemed Minho realized something and his eyes lit up. Woojin winced from his spot at the booth when he could hear Minho approaching Seungmin and sliding an arm around his waist from the side.

 

“Is my baby jealous?” Minho teased lowly, nuzzling his nose into Seungmin’s cheek but the younger sputtered for a moment, glancing at Minho in horror.

 

“I’m not your baby and I’m not jealous,” Seungmin hissed, but he never, not even once, pushed away from Minho. In fact, Seungmin sank just the slightest bit deeper into Minho’s side and the elder tried his best to keep a shy smile from taking over his lips. Jeongin found their dynamic cute, but he wished Seungmin would just admit he likes Minho and move on so the rest of them didn’t have to watch with baited breaths.

 

“Alright, I’ve got tickets,” Woojin spoke up suddenly, handing them off until he got to Jeongin, holding it tightly when Jeongin tried to take it from him, “No scaring, no over-dramatic screaming, no whispering theories and no messing with the people in front of us. Sit down, and shut up,” Woojin laid down the rules thickly, “Do you understand me?” Jeongin nodded his head vigorously, beaming with a bright smile and shining eyes and Woojin softened considerably. “Alright. Let’s go. No wandering off.”

 

and they all trailed off into the movie theatre, Seungmin leaving Minho’s arms but Jeongin didn’t miss the way Seungmin’s fingers twitched slightly every time he got close to Minho. Jeongin felt like squealing when Minho noticed this, discreetly reached down to grab Seungmin’s hand softly and guide his fingers so Seungmin’s pointer and middle fingers hooked into Minho’s belt loop. They didn’t even look at each other when this happened, but Jeongin knew if they did, Minho would be smiling far too wildly and Seungmin would be a flustered mess with a scowl to match the intensity.

 

Jeongin and Hyunjin wouldn’t hear the end of this later.

 

“I hate you so much, Jeongin,” Hyunjin suddenly whirled around from Woojin’s side at the front, glaring at the younger with justified anger in his eyes. “If I don’t sleep tonight, I’m keeping you awake and you can’t stop me,” Hyunjin hissed, stopping and waiting until Jeongin approached his side. The rest of them laughed a little, but a snicker came from behind them and both Hyunjin and Jeongin whirled around to see Jisung and Changbin standing a few feet away with popcorn and candy in their hands.

 

“Oh! Hey, hyung,” Jeongin grinned, but his eyes were focused on Changbin. Jeongin felt anxiety fill him to the brim when he went in for a hug with the elder, who gladly returned it, only to pull away and see Jisung looking at them with eyes bulging out of his head. “Hello Jisung,” Jeongin bowed his head respectively in Jisung’s direction.

 

“Jisung Hyung,” Jisung corrected with a click of his tongue, but his gaze leveled with Hyunjin’s and Jeongin gulped. He didn’t want to know what was going on, but he could pretty much see that Jisung was trying his best to get under Hyunjin’s skin.

 

“So you two are friends?” Changbin questioned innocently, but Jisung only fired a glare in his direction.

 

“I could ask you the same thing.”

 

Changbin gaped for a moment, unsure of why Jisung was acting so childish and even looked at Jisung for help. The younger only shrugged with a helpless look. “He’s the son of my dad’s girlfriend,” Changbin explained carefully and Jisung’s shoulders slumped. Jeongin felt his own slump at that, scared that maybe Jisung hated him more than Jeongin assumed he did.

 

“Oh…”

 

“Is there something going on here?” Woojin spoke up suddenly, crossing his arms over his chest and Jeongin never thought he’d see the day fear resided in Jisung’s eyes but when he saw Woojin, Jisung looked as if he was ready to burst into fucking tears.

 

“No, Woojin hyung,” Changbin spoke up suddenly and the tense air flipped from aggressive and accusatory to lovesick. “What movie are you guys seeing?” Changbin coughed, eyes never moving from Woojin’s but Jeongin took note of his shaking hands as he spoke.

 

“Jeongin is torturing Hyunjin by choosing Death bell since it’s his turn to choose.” Changbin’s eyes practically lit up at this, rubbing at the back of his neck.

 

“Really? That’s what we’re seeing. Jisung hates horror movies but the rest of us out-ruled him.” Changbin shyly explained.

 

“You’re supposed to be nice to your friends, Bin,” Woojin smirked. Changbin looked ready to jump his god damn bones if Jeongin were honest but Minho quickly ruined the mood.

 

“What on earth do you know about being nice, hyung? You’re literally the rudest person I’ve ever met and I had to do a project with Bang Chan before he got his shit together.” This probably wasn’t the best example to use considering Bang Chan’s two best friends were standing in front of him but they only cracked up at the comparison. “Back me up here, babe,” Minho nudged Seungmin with his elbow, and the younger flushed at the sudden attention on him.

 

“He has a point…” Seungmin shyly admitted, muttering under his breath afterward while glaring down at Minho, “and stop calling me that!” He whined, wrestling his way out of Minho’s grip and standing a foot away. Minho frowned at the distance but it seemed their already growing group would require two more additions before they all moved forward.

 

“I’m glad to know that you still keep up with my emotional status, Minho,” A curly headed brunet spoke up, a freckled ginger next to him that seemed to radiate the actual sun and Jeongin felt his nose snarl up when Hyunjin gasped lowly under his breath at the sight of the ginger.

 

Minho didn’t even seem bothered by this. “Excuse my curiosity, man. You said you wanted to get help when you graduated so I was just seeing if you did,” Minho shrugged and much to everyone surprise, Chan clapped Minho on the shoulder, whispered something in his ear, and ruffled his hair when the younger gasped, scandalized, “Don’t you dare! I’ll shave off your hair if you do that.”

 

“What are we doing? If it involves hurting Minho I want to help,” Seungmin spoke up with a bright smile and Chan matched it.

 

“You must be Seungmin-” Chan started but Minho was quick to wrap the younger up in his arms.

 

“Nope, not today. If you corrupt him I’ll never get my date.”

 

Jeongin tuned them all out after that, looking so beyond confused that it made Jisung laugh just the tiniest bit. Woojin and Changbin were stuck in their own little world, smiling shyly and speaking softly, Hyunjin and Felix were throwing each other longing gazes from across the group, and Seungmin and Minho were… being Seungmin and Minho. “Oh my god, I’m surrounded by couples” Jeongin spoke up quietly, earning not only the attention of _the_ Bang chan but a smile and a laugh.

 

“It’s okay, kid. We can be single together,” Chan threw an arm over his shoulder and guided them all over toward the employee at the entrance so they can take their tickets. Despite the tattoos, the lingering but not heavy scent of smoke (Perhaps Chan stopped smoking, but the smell would always haunt him) and the old reputation of being angry, Chan was entirely easy to be around and Jeongin appreciated that a lot. “So I hear you’re the one tutoring Jisung,” Chan made short conversation on the treck to the theatre.

 

“I… Yes. He’s doing a lot better. He’s going to graduate, maybe even with a higher grade if he keeps this up.” Jeongin proudly explained and Chan glanced back toward Jisung stuck with Changbin and Woojin much to his horror with a fond gleam in Chan’s eyes.

 

“He’s not the best kid, but he’s not awful either. He’s just stuck at the moment. Thank you for helping him,” Chan bowed his head in gratitude and Jeongin bowed his own back.

 

“Who are we talking about?” The freckled boy jeongin still hadn’t learned the name of snuck up behind them, placing a small hand on jeongin’s back. Jeongin nearly jumped out of his own skin at that.

 

“Jeongin here is tutoring Jisung so he graduates,” Chan explained quietly as they walked through the door to the theatre. The ginger hummed in acknowledgment, studying Jeongin for a moment.

  
“Thank you. He’s a mess and needs a foot up his ass so he’ll get himself in gear,” the finger snorted, sticking his tongue out at Jisung when the boy made a noise of loud disbelief. “I’m Felix.” Jeongin gaped up at him in surprise.

 

“An English name?”

 

Felix hummed in confirmation. “I’m from Australia. Chan and I grew up together but I just moved here.”

 

“So does that mean you’ll be starting school here soon?”

 

“I’ll start uni in the fall here. I already finished my schooling back in Australia,” Felix explained in slightly broken Korean but Jeongin could keep up with him just fine. “I hope you guys don’t mind us tagging along though. I’m sure you were looking to hang out with your friends today,” Felix suddenly uttered, shy and awkward and entirely endearing.

 

“It’s okay. You guys are alright and I hang out with Changbin quite a bit. You’re welcome here.”

 

The seating arrangement was odd, but Jeongin tried not to think about it too much. From left to right facing the group sat Chan, jeongin, Minho, Hyunjin, Felix, Changbin, Woojin, Seungmin, and Jisung. How Jeongin found himself between Minho and CHan was beyond him but he found the two entirely entertaining so didn’t complain too much. “No, you are not about to sit here and disrespect the art of horror movies!” Minho shrieked, throwing a few popcorn pieces at the elder over Jeongin’s taller body. Chan huffed out some laughter, offering Minho a bright, dimpled smile that seemed far too kind and innocent for a man with a reputation like Chan’s.

 

“Yes, I will sit here and disrespect horror movies, because _there is nothing to respect_.” Chan snickered at Minho’s arms crossed over his chest defensively paired with a mighty scowl. “The effects of most horror movies are awful.”

 

“That’s a lie.” Jeongin butted in, looking at Chan with a sense of betrayal. “Sure, they’re not scary, but you have to admit the gore always looks good, even if the general reaction to it isn’t accurate,” jeongin insisted and Chan considered it for a moment, cocking his head to the side in thought.

 

“True… but when they try and create monsters….” Chan didn’t expand any further, and Jeongin didn’t need him to if his wince told the elder anything. “See? Horror movies are respectfully awful.”

 

“But that’s what makes them beautiful. The absolute atrocity of them makes them some of the best films ever,” jeongin finalized, smirking to himself when Chan grumbled under his breath and sank down in his seat. Felix suddenly began waving wildly from beside them, not stopping until he had Jeongin’s full attention.

 

“That was amazing and you’re suddenly my best friend. He’s the most stubborn man I’ve ever met but you just put him in his place without lifting a god damn finger,” Felix cracked up, slipping his tiny hand into Jeongin’s and squeezing tightly. Despite how flustered Jeongin became at the time, he still giggled cutely and nodded his head in understanding.

 

“I have that effect on people-” and then Jeongin was squealing loudly, Chan pulling Jeongin’s head down into Chan’s chest forcefully and rubbing his knuckles lightly into the top of the younger’s head. “Hyung! Please!”

 

Chan let go of him with a laugh, sparing the people behind them a quiet sorry when they kicked at the backs of their chairs and the group of boys sunk into silence as the previews began to play.

 

However, after 45 minutes into the movie, Jeongin had a pretty good feel of what this movie was like and he was already bored out of his mind. So, he got up to escape to the bathroom and play on his phone for a little bit so he didn’t have to sit there and watch a painfully awful movie.

 

Getting past Chan wasn’t the problem, nor was getting a relatively empty bathroom the problem either. The problem was the fact that when Jeongin met the silence of the bathroom, his thoughts began to run wild. He found himself leaning against the sink counter and Instagram pulled up on the phone in his hand. He hadn’t been doing anything aside from scrolling through his recents, but when the suggested bar popped up and he saw an all too familiar face in a profile picture of a “J.ONE.00” Jeongin’s curiosity got the best of him.

 

Surprisingly enough, Jisung’s Instagram wasn’t on private, his bio a link to a SoundCloud that Jeongin would investigate later and feed nothing more than a dark set of photos that didn’t seem to mean much of anything. However, Jeongin giggles quietly when he saw Jisung in a photo with a masked man, Chan based on the fluffy hair sticking out underneath a beanie, and smothering a kiss to his cheek while Changbin stood off to the side as if the occurrence was the most casual thing in the world.

 

Posts like that continued for a bit but then Jeongin noticed a large gap between posts and he began to wonder what had happened in that time. He didn’t get to wonder any longer though because suddenly a random, older man entered the bathroom quite loudly and rushed into one of the stalls, hurling the contents in his stomach out and Jeongin gagged, quickly leaving the bathroom before he hurled too.

 

Now that his hiding spot became compromised, Jeongin figured he had nothing else to do but go back to the theatre, the bitter elder with a fiery tongue not leaving his mind.

 

And as if it couldn’t get worse, Jeongin walked into the theatre and saw that his previous seat was now stolen by Kim Seungmin, the bastard himself wrapped around Minho with a fearful look in his eyes. Jeongin made eye contact with Chan, almost pleading him to do something but the elder just shrugged and tilted his head over to the empty seat between Woojin and Jisung. Jeongin could feel his heart beating rapidly as he approached the seat. “Sorry.” Jeongin didn’t know why he apologized to Jisung, but he felt it was necessary at the time. Jisung only looked at him for a split second, just long enough to show the anxiety in his own eyes before Jisung turned away, burying his chin in his palm.

 

“It’s fine,” Jisung muttered after a while and Jeongin nodded frantically, sinking down in his seat as he tried to ignore Woojin and Changbin practically leaning into each other and Jisung leaning away from Jeongin as if the younger had the plague. Jeongin tried his best but he found himself looking at Jisung anyway when the elder jumped a little too high at a minor jump scare and leaned a little closer to Jeongin on instinct. Jeongin didn’t try and initiate anything to comfort Jisung until they got to a really suspenseful scene and Jisung began to claw into his thighs and nibble on his lower lip.

 

“H-Hyung…” Jeongin choked out a moment to grab Jisung’s attention, the elder snapping his head over to the younger but instead of Jisung portraying hostility, he instead portrayed a defensive embarrassment that made Jeongin coo internally. Jisung raised both of his eyebrows in question, gaping a bit when Jeongin coughed and nodded down to his hand currently clawing at his thighs. Jisung thought about it for a moment, deciding to swallow his pride and Jeongin wished he could think about how clammy Jisung’s hand was when it slipped into his own instead of how well they fit together.

 

All Jeongin could think about was how comfortable it felt to hold hands with Jisung in the elder’s lap, and the way Jisung relaxed considerably at the physical touch.

 

“Don’t tell anyone about this, brat.”

 

“Wouldn’t dream of it, hyung.”

 

Han Jisung could try and act as tough as he wanted to, but Jeongin knew the man loved physically affection and just needed to be loved.

 

**888**

_**I'd dance just for you when the nightlight goes out** _

_**Would you dance for me too?** _

 

The bitter aspect of making progress falls back on the act of regression.

 

No matter the circumstance or the person achieving said progress, there will always be a time of relapse. It’s an unfortunate circumstance but one must learn to come to terms with it if they wish to move forward.

 

But Han Jisung, as open-minded as he could be about life and it’s many, many bad apples, couldn’t quite accept a relapse. Jisung beat himself up continuously over even the small things, so his mindset after such a hard relapse like the one he had last night truly had Jisung beaten blue and black.

 

Jisung had a lot of love in his heart despite popular belief, but almost all of it centered around Seoyoung and the way she made Jisung feel. Jisung knew he shouldn’t have let him fall so far from the tree but at the time, Jisung believed Seoyoung was worth the drop and the pain when he hit the ground.

 

However, today was once their anniversary and the liquor burned a little too harshly as it slid down Jisung’s throat. He promised himself he wouldn’t react this way when the day finally got here. Jisung planned the whole day to the absolute brim so he didn’t recieve the chance to think about her but none of them ended up going through. Changbin and Chan had an emergency down at the studio, Jeongin couldn’t work in a tutor session into his busy schedule, and none of his old party friends were hosting anything that evening. Jisung even dared to pay attention in class and do his homework if it meant not thinking about her.

 

But homework, even for a kid like Jisung who was so behind on everything, only lasts so long and by the time the sun had set, Jisung pulled out a box of all their old memories and everything started flooding back. The worst part of it all was that these things were the items she refused to take. It was all of her old stuff that Jisung tried giving back to her once he got over the general shock of their break up but she just told him that he could throw it out.

 

Jisung knew he should have thrown them out, but every time he tried he backed out last second. Every time he went to throw it away, he’d clutch the box close to his chest on the verge of a panic attack and every time he tried to burn anything, he’d almost burn himself instead. He couldn’t handle the idea of her not being his anymore and that's why he sat in the middle of his bedroom floor surrounded by oddball objects and a bottle of whiskey halfway gone sat next to him.

 

Tears gushed down his cheeks as he thumbed the silk scarf she left over here one time and oddly enough, it still smelled like her. This was his favorite scarf she ever wore, but she didn’t like wearing it that often. Jisung wondered if maybe she left it over here on purpose so she had an excuse not to wear it. But it wasn’t as if Jisung would throw a fit if she said she didn’t want to wear it…

 

Jisung wished he could have shown her the better side to himself. He wished he could apologize for being so hotheaded over everything. She deserved better. That’s why she left.

 

Jisung needed to apologize.

 

What happened next wasn’t entirely expected. Jisung knew Seoyoung’s number better than his own, yet when he went to type it in, he didn’t type in Seoyoung’s number. He typed in someone else’s, two digits off but entirely severe in the difference of owners.

 

“Hello?” Jisung didn’t even register the way the phone picked up after the second ring at midnight and the voice on the other end was closer to his tutors than it was his ex-girlfriend’s.

  
“Baby, I’m sorry for everything. I’m so sorry I couldn’t show you the best side of me. You deserved the absolute universe but you wasted nearly two years with me and my emotional ass. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you feel like shit about yourself. You’re amazing. You are so bright and smart and beautiful and fuck I’m still so in love with you. Take me back, Seoyoung. I’m begging you. I’ll treat you better. I promise.” Jisung’s rambling wasn’t entirely coherent to the one on the other end of the line due to the alcohol in his system, but the other got the general idea of it.

 

“Jisung…” the male on the other end trailed off, and Jisung still didn’t register the fact that he was speaking with someone other than Seoyoung.

 

“I miss hearing you sing to me in the morning because you always woke up before me. I miss your smile and your rants about the sea because that’s all you ever loved. I miss your pout when I made better food than you and I miss your laugh when you were entirely giddy for no reason at all. You’re my everything. You will always be my everything.” Silence. “God… I’m so pathetic. Why did you ever waste your time on me?” Jisung didn’t hear whatever was said on the other side of the line, eyes glassed over with his own tears and his voice catching in his throat.

 

Jisung didn’t register the fact that his roommates had entered their shared apartment at that point either.

 

“Right… You didn’t waste your time but you did didn’t you?” Silence again. “I’m so sorry, Seoyoung. I love you. I love you so much I can’t even put it into words-”

 

“Jisung?!” Feverish knocks came at the other side of his bedroom door and Jisung jumped, yelping a bit and practically throwing his phone as he tried to shove everything away but he wasn’t quick enough. Chan had jammed his shoulder into the door and the locked knob submitted to him with ease. Jisung felt fear, dread, and guilt coursed through him when he saw his two hyungs standing in the doorway, taking the mess on his floor in and processing it.

 

“Oh, Jisung…” Changbin’s sympathetic voice rang out and the tears started flowing again, Jisung sobbing grossly and clutching at Chan’s arm wrapped around his chest to pull him backward and into a firm embrace. Jisung saw Changbin pick up his phone as Chan shushed reassurances into his ear, Changbin talking to whoever Jisung called and apologizing for any inconveniences. Jisung didn’t fight it when Changbin sunk down to gather all of the items strung about and shove them into the box and take away from the room.

 

“It hurts. It hurts so much. I need her. I need her.” Jisung kept blubbering over and over again, no longer able to observe what happened around him due to his shut eyes and the pain deep within his heaving chest and stomach. Chan kept trying to get him to calm down, whispering to him and holding Jisung as tight as he could to ground him. Jisung hadn’t been this bad since their breakup, and Chan and CHangbin weren’t sure what to do.

 

Changbin motioned for Chan to move Jisung to the bed so they could block him in. They found that when Chan pressed up against Jisung’s back and Changbin laid down on top of him that Jisung recovered from his panic attacks a lot quicker and the damage afterward didn’t end up so severe. “Breathe with me, Ji. You’re okay. I know it hurts but we’re here,” Chan whispered calmly in Jisung’s ear, nuzzling his nose into the back of Jisung’s neck as Jisung’s knees moved up to bury themselves in his chest.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Jisung hyperventilated, numb to the feeling of Changbin pressing his cheek against his jaw and allowing the younger to smell his hair. Jisung needed physical affection but it needed to be very firm and very much present. Eventually, Jisung managed to calm down, his breathing stabilizing and his thoughts not racing quite so much. He felt like he could think and register his surroundings again despite the alcohol still in his system. “Water.”

 

“Here.” Changbin hushed, getting up momentarily to grab the bottle of water on the bedside table and opening it for Jisung and allowing the younger to sit up and take slow sips to Chan’s request. “Are you feeling better now?” Jisung didn’t answer Changbin’s question, instead, he handed the closed bottle back to Changbin and lowered himself back down onto the mattress, cheek squashed against Chan’s chest. Jisung’s heart hurt. He didn’t think he’d ever be fully okay again, but that was something he’d have to learn to live with.

 

He could do that as long as Chan and CHangbin stayed in his life. They were his brothers, the only people he needed, and he was so grateful for them.

 

Jisung was aware of Chan and Changbin sharing a look and mouthing things to one another but he didn’t say anything else that night. He felt like he had said enough so just basked in the feeling of being sandwiched between Changbin’s and Chan’s bodies and the heat they gave off. Jisung fell asleep to that feeling, the only good feeling amongst the plethora of bad ones he felt that night.

 

Ever since Jisung woke up to Seoyoung laying beside him, Jisung hated waking up alone. He couldn’t handle it if he were honest, couldn’t handle the unbearable notion that he was, in fact, alone. That’s why he didn’t get much sleep nowadays, figuring out that if he didn’t have to wake up at all, he wouldn’t have to deal with the start of his day being so lonely.

 

But Jisung wasn’t inhuman and his body gives out sometimes. He finds that those mornings are some of the worst mornings he experiences.

 

Chan and Changbin try their best to help Jeongin with his loneliness, climbing into bed whenever they got home and thought about it, but sometimes they were forgetful and Jisung still woke up alone.

 

That’s what Jisung first thought the following morning after such an intense panic attack, squeezing his eyes shut so they didn’t have to open and see his empty bed but they snapped open when he felt a body shift on the mattress, and arm swing around his waist from behind and a chest pressed up against his back. “Morning, Ji,” Chan rasped from behind him, nuzzling his nose into Jisung’s head as a greeting.

 

“How’d you know I was awake?” Jisung grumbled, flipping over so he could face Chan and the elder chuckled breathily a bit, running his fingers through his fluffy blond hair for a moment before clearing his throat.

 

“You think too loud. It’s hard ignoring you being awake,” Chan snickered, patting Jisung’s back a bit to coax the younger to scoot a bit closer. The room felt so cold and Jisung couldn’t help but gravitate toward Chan’s body heat. The elder was a practical furnace. “Are you feeling better?”

 

“I have a major hangover,” Jisung laughed weakly, hoping that he might be able to dodge the question but it was pretty obvious Chan wasn’t going to let this go if the hand on Jisung’s cheek and the intense gaze between them said anything.

 

“Jisung…”

 

“I could be better, hyung, alright? I’ll make it through the day,” and that’s all anyone could ever realistically ask of him.

 

“Good,” Chan hushed, feathering a kiss to his forehead and letting his eyes droop closed again. Jisung watched him for a few moments, stopping when the door opened and Changbin came in smelling like a god damn campfire. “Hey, Binnie,” Chan greeted, shifting his body up so he propped himself up on his elbow. Changbin hummed back, sitting down on the empty space at Jisung’s back while holding a bowl of cereal.

 

“Get up and put some clothes on. We’re having a morning fire,” Changbin croaked, smacking at Jisung’s chest lightly. The youngest of the three groaned loudly, turning back over onto his side and resting his forehead against CHan’s chest.

 

“Come on, Ji. You know we need to do this,” Chan hushed, combing his fingers through Jisung’s softer locks but Jisung clutched at Chan’s shirt desperately.  

 

“I can’t.”

 

A slap came at the back of his head from the middle boy, Changbin scowling at Jisung when he turned to look at Changbin in betrayal. “Stop saying that. You know you can. You’re a tough little bastard, Ji. You can do anything if you tried hard enough,” Changbin snapped, soothing jisung’s tense shoulders with firm presses to the knots there. “You can do it, ji.”

 

“There’s a lot of things I need to do, but I don’t know if I can handle doing that right now,” Jisung countered, and Changbin just sucked his bottom lip between his teeth as he studied Jisung with a curious gaze. Jisung felt like they both could see right through him as Chan loomed over him like a tree would as his fingers brushed along the crown of Jisung’s head.

 

“Is this… about that thing you asked me the other day? Up at the mountain?” Chan questioned carefully, unsure of Changbin’s stance in the whole topic.

 

“Don’t worry, Hyung. He knows about me.” Changbin sensed Chan’s curiosity.

 

It was quiet for a moment.

 

“Ask your question, Jisung,” Changbin huffed, taking an aggressive bite of his cereal to secure his firmness.

 

Jisung tossed and turned for a minute, trying to find a comfortable position but he found that nothing about this situation was comfortable and settled back on his back. “How did you know that you… how did you know that you weren’t straight,” Jisung whispered, voice cracking a bit when it raised in volume for just a moment but he didn’t dare look at either one of the guys above him.

 

Changbin And Chan shared a look Before they readjusted themselves on the bed, moving closer in hopes of providing comfort. “Well, I kind of just always knew. I didn’t ever really like people until I knew them and the gender didn’t really matter to me. My first crush was actually a girl, but the first person I dated was a guy.” Chan grinned from ear to ear at the memory. “That was the most awkward period of my life.”

 

Jisung snickered, covering his mouth when Chan glared down at him with a pout, lip rings jutting out a little more than normal. Jisung wondered if he’d like the cold metal on his lips when he kissed a guy or if he would like something more soft and warm like Jeongin’s-

 

Jisung shook the thought away before he could even finish it. That was a can of worms he wasn’t willing to open anytime soon.

 

“How’d you know, Bin?” Jisung murmured, slowly turning his head to look at Changbin eating his cereal with a content expression.

 

“Well… I guess i kind of always knew I was gay, but I never really acknowledged it? My first girlfriend was my first kiss, I went through the same thing every other straight guy did,” Changbin shrugged, “but then that fucker came along and fucked up my whole life!” Changbin pointed his spoon at Chan aggressively.

 

Chan laughed loudly, falling back on the bed next to Jisung and throwing his hands behind his head smugly. “Yeah well, I just have that effect on people,” Chan chortled, Looking At Changbin with a fond look before flickering his eyes over to Jisung’s shocked expression. “Wait, you didn’t know this?”

 

Jisung shook his head furiously, feeling like a little kid asking their parents about they first met.

 

“Chan…” Changbin trailed off with a warning tone but Chan rolled over onto his side in an excited manner to face Jisung, the younger doing the exact same thing.

 

“I came along, having moved fresh from Sydney, and I was transferred to his school. He was smitten for me the moment we met-“ Changbin groaned loudly, flushing a crimson in embarrassment. “But I was smitten too,” Chan murmured in a much softer tone, no longer looking at Jisung but instead at Changbin. Jisung felt his heart drop for them both when he could see they still liked one another. Chan coughed, flickering his eyes downward back to Jisung, “I took his first kiss a few months later, we dated for a while, and then we called it off because we figured we would be better off as friends.”

 

“We were on and off for a while though. We dated for over a year so giving each other up like that was hard,” Changbin expanded.

 

“So you two fucked?” Jisung questioned casually and Changbin looked ready to spill His bowl of milk all over him at the question.

 

“Hey! Even if we did, it’s none of your business!” Changbin yelled while Chan laughed profusely. “Stop egging him on!” Changbin slapped at Chan’s side, but the elder caught his wrist before Changbin could retract completely. Changbin already knew what was coming, so set the bowl down before Chan tugged him down between them so they were nose to nose and Chan could tease him further.

 

“I don’t know, Binnie… did we fuck?” Chan grinned a shit eating grin and Changbin looked ready to tear his god damn face off. Changbin quickly turned around so his back was to Chan and Jisung backed up to give them all a bit more space. Jisung was pretty falling out of bed by that point.

 

“Anyways,” Changbin emphasized, kicking at Chan’s leg that curled around Changbin’s thigh from behind. “I let myself admit it when I kissed Chan.” Jisung groaned a bit at the mental image, not wanting to think about it at all. “We could be your first kiss, Jisung-“

 

Jisung rolled out of bed at that, hitting the ground but scrambling up to grab some clothes to put on. “Nope! Nope, nope, nope! Let’s go burn some shit, Hyungs.”

 

Chan and Changbin just laughed wildly as Jisung raced out of the room.

 

“Hey, Yang…”

 

“Morning, Hyung.”

 

“I wanted to apologize for last night. I know I was a mess and I shouldn’t have called you like that either. I didn’t even mean to call you.”

 

“I figured from the context.” Short. Quipped.

 

“What… what exactly did I say?”

 

“Most of it was gibberish. I didn’t make out much except for an apology. You had nothing to apologize for so I figured you thought I was someone else.”

 

If Jisung hadn’t been so tired and hungover, maybe he would have caught the lie. “Ok, well… I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

“Yeah. Have a good day, Hyung.”

 

“You too, Yang.”

 

**Poison**

_**Ease your breath, untie my hands** _

_**Release my neck, if you can** _

_**You don't have to be like that** _

 

Jeongin hated every bit of himself for allowing his brain to get like this. He hated that he let himself get to that point where his feelings for that insufferable boy began to become something a lot more than hate, much less romantic. Jeongin couldn’t have fallen for a worse person. Jeongin wished he had fallen for Hyunjin. Maybe his life would be a lot easier if he had fallen for Hyunjin. At least Hyunjin respected him and Jeongin would have a slight chance with him.

 

Jeongin wasn’t sure if Jisung was even gay, but there were more pressing matters. Jeongin had no idea if Jisung could even stand to be around him. He didn’t know if Jisung _wanted_ to be around him.

Something told Jeongin that Jisung didn’t want to though when Jeongin met him outside the library and Chan stood beside him typing away on his phone. “Morning,” Jeongin murmured quietly, shuffling his foot against the ground. When Jisung stared Jeongin down blankly, Jeongin wondered if Jisung knew how badly he wished Jisung knew he was talking to Jeongin Friday night instead of his ex. Jeongin wondered if Changbin could sense Jeongin’s unhappiness when he apologized for Jisung’s behavior a few moments after.

 

Jeongin wondered if subconsciously Jisung heard the hitch of his breath when he said baby.

 

Jeongin tried not to think about it too much when Chan practically beamed at him from beside Jisung. “Hey, kid. How are you?” Chan grinned, throwing an arm around Jeongin’s shoulder to bring him into a side hug that Jeongin tried his best to return without seeming too weak.

 

“I’m well. How are you, hyung?” Jeongin inquired quietly, bowing his head respectfully to avoid eye contact. If Chan noticed his attitude change, he didn’t voice it verbally, but Jeongin figured that the slightly firm squeeze to his bicep was Chan’s way of acknowledging it.

 

“I’m doing fine, kid,” CHan murmured, “Now off you go. I’ll be back in an hour.” Jeongin watched Chan bounce off toward his car, barely noticing Jisung trailing back into the library to sit at the table where Jeongin laid out a few worksheets focusing around the new content they learned a week ago. Oddly enough, Jeongin didn’t even need to explain anything to Jisung before the elder got to work.

 

“Does Chan Hyung always drive you to these sessions?” Jeongin blurted as he sat down, flushing profusely at his inability to keep his curiosity to himself. Jisung slowly tilted his head up to glare Jeongin right in the eye. This wasn’t Jisung’s regular dangerous glint though. It was almost as if Jisung was a wounded animal instead of a mountain lion ready to rip Jeongin into pieces.

 

The silence that followed felt suffocating.

 

“I’m sorry, you don’t have to-“

 

“He and Changbin said I need to be on 24-hour surveillance after Friday night,” Jisung explained quietly as if he feared the idea of speaking about the topic would bring up a conversation he wasn’t willing to have. Jeongin wanted nothing more than to have that conversation but he didn’t want to make this tutoring session anymore awkward than it probably already was. “Which… I’m sorry about. I was drunk. I didn’t know who I was talking to,” Jisung didn’t look Jeongin in the eye when he apologized, and Jeongin figured he would have much rather not gotten an apology at all.

 

Jeongin simply nodded his head in acknowledgment. “I hope you’re feeling better. You sounded pretty upset.”

 

“Don’t think anyone gets that drunk for fun,” Jisung huffed and that was the end of their conversation. Jeongin clamped his mouth shut in shame and stared down at his homework with his brain still focused on the boy across from him. Jeongin wished he had fallen for Hyunjin instead, or maybe even Seungmin. He wished he could have fallen for anyone else besides this boy across from him.

 

Jeongin almost felt like he would have had a better chance with Chan at this rate, and he was at least three years older than Jeongin.

 

“Stop thinking so loud. I can’t focus.” Jeongin snapped out of his own thoughts at the aggressive mutter.

 

“S-Sorry…” Jeongin stuttered, flushing a bit when Jisung looked up at him. Jeongin wasn’t sure what to think when Jisung’s shoulders sagged And his expression softened considerably. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Jisung look like anything else aside from aggressive and irritated.

 

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

 

The tutoring session felt like it dragged on for hours, especially when Jeongin had to explain certain parts to Jisung because of his beady little gaze that didn’t move away from Jeongin Unless the younger pointed at something on the paper on the table. There was something that Jisung wished to say, but Jeongin was too scared to ask and Jisung never once asked whatever was on his mind at the time. Jeongin’s curiosity was through the roof at this point.

 

Eventually, Jisung received a text from Chan saying that he was waiting outside and Jeongin nearly jumped out of his chair to pack away his things haphazardly. Jeongin just wanted out of there. However, this didn’t go unnoticed by Jisung and his smaller hands landed on top of Jeongin’s to stop him from putting his papers in the wrong part of his binder.

 

Jisung’s gaze said everything Jeongin needed to know, and Jeongin felt his heart speed up as Jisung out everything away for him. No words were exchanged between the two, but they might as well have had a full conversation before Jisung handed Jeongin his crisp white binder perfectly color-coded and organized to efficiency.

 

_You need to calm down._

 

_I’m sorry. I’m just all over the place right now._

 

_You don’t need to be. Take your time._

 

_Thank you._

 

_Just breathe, kid._

 

Jisung’s true nature only shined through his eyes, not through his words, but Jeongin was smart enough to decipher what Jisung tried to say to him through his gaze.

 

Outside, the sight Jisung and Jeongin baffled them to a certain degree. Chan and Woojin sat on the bench outside, seemingly deep in discussion and Woojin looked far from amused as Chan spoke with a shit eating grin and dimples to match the giddy spark in his eyes. They were sitting far too close for either one of the high schoolers to be comfortable with. “Jesus, he’s really got both of my Hyungs wrapped around his finger,” Jisung grumbled from beside Jeongin and the younger couldn’t help but giggle quietly. Jisung glanced up at Jeongin with a barely-there smirk.

 

“Hey, Woojin Hyung. Why are you here?” Jeongin pouted in confusion once he got the elder’s attention. Woojin furrowed his eyebrows in mock confusion.

 

“We always hang out on Sundays, Innie,” Woojin cocked his head to the side and Jeongin’s expression turned into one of realization. “I figured we could go get food and then go back home and watch movies unless there’s something else you want to do.” God, Why couldn’t have Jeongin fell for Woojin. His life would be so much easier.

 

“No, that sounds perfect,” Jeongin grinned softly, waiting for his Hyung to stand up.

 

“It was nice seeing you again, Chan,” Woojin bowed his head respectfully toward the younger and Chan grinned up at him.

 

“Hopefully we can hang out sometime.” Chan dared to ask and Jeongin watched the two interact with wide eyes.

 

“We’ll see,” Woojin grunted Before waltzing off, grabbing for Jeongin’s arm to tug him along. The youngest of the four turned back toward Chan and Jisung, waving at them with an apologetic gaze But Jisung wouldn’t look Jeongin in the eye.

 

However, Jeongin found more interest in Woojin and the conflicted gleam in his eyes.

 

“Don’t.” Jeongin began to smirk to himself, shifting it into that of a pout when Woojin looked down at him.

 

“But I want to,” Jeongin whined.

 

“If you don’t, I’ll buy you a cupcake.”

 

“Two cupcakes,” Jeongin bargained.

 

“You’ve got yourself a deal, kid,” and Jeongin squealed. Jeongin loved cupcakes so much, more than teasing his hyungs. Cupcakes were the perfect way to bribe Jeongin and he hated that they were used against him.

 

But at least he got to eat them so Who was the real winner here?

 

Jeongin loved the prospect of school. He loved the general idea of going somewhere else to learn interesting topics and meet new people different from him, but he didn’t like what school turned into over the years. It is no longer about learning but instead memorizing content, and the people there treated him awfully because of his intelligence. Students were nothing but numbers to the government, and students vented all their anger out on other people.

 

Take Hoo Yeongjoon for example. A pretty boy with a brain of a genius kicked down and consumed by the need to be known for something worthy and a small part of Jeongin felt bad for him. Of course, that never lasted too long when Yeongjoon began to beat his face in, but that was to be expected. Hoo Yeongjoon had so much going for him if Jeongin were to truly think about it. Not only did he have the pretty face, but he had the charisma of a politician and a brain of a scientist. Yeongjoon could have done so much if he hadn’t allowed the popularity get to his head.

 

There was a time that Yeongjoon wanted to be friends with Jeongin, wanted him to be something more later on, but Jeongin declined. Jeongin had plans for his future and he didn’t want to do anything to possibly jeopardize that.  Even if that meant placing a target on his back.

 

Sometimes, Jeongin wished he had given into Yeongjoon. But other times, especially when he looks at all his real, true friends that he’d do anything for, he realizes that if he had succumbed to the life Yeongjoon lives, then jeongin would never have everything that made him incredibly happy. Most teenagers would do anything to ditch town, leave behind their high school friends and family, and start over, but Yang Jeongin thinks he’d lose his mind if he ever lost the people he cares so deeply for.

 

They were worth the constant abuse if he were honest.

 

“afternoon, Yang,” Yeongjoon greeted, slamming Jeongin’s locker so suddenly that Jeongin didn’t have enough time to react and pull away before the cold metal crushed his hand between the locker door and the locker wall. Jeongin let out a yelp of pain, tears already glossing over. What a fucking amazing greeting, right? “You have my work?” Yeongjoon cocked his head to the side, pressing his chest to Jeongin’s back and the younger felt like he was going to hyperventilate.

 

“Y-Yes-” Jeongin choked out, hand still stuck in the locker as he twisted his body to reach down for his backpack. However, just as Jeongin’s fingers were about to curl around the handle of his bag, Yeongjoon kicked it away and shoved Jeongin’s front back up against the locker, pressing down on the door trapping his aching hand.

 

“Go get it then, Yang,” Yeongjoon hissed in Jeongin’s ear, twirling his hands into Jeongin’s hair and slamming his face into the locker when Jeongin began to struggle against him. “You know, Jeongin… you’re still so adorable. I’m willing to give you another chance,” jeongin’s lungs stopped working at that, the anger sizzling so deeply in his heart that Jeongin felt ready to explode. “Be mine, Jeongin. I can treat you like a king. You don’t have to hang out with those losers anymore. You can still save your reputation,” Yeongjoon offered.

 

“Get the fuck off of me!” Jeongin screamed so loudly the hallway went quiet, everyone now looking at him and their position. Yeongjoon pushed himself away from Jeongin in shock. Jeongin never screamed, never fought back, never did anything to possibly make the situation more dramatic. But yet, here they were, Jeongin panting heavily, face red with anger, and hand still jammed in the locker as he looked at Yeongjoon with murder in his eyes.

 

No one expected Han Jisung to break through the crowd of people and approach them, not even Jisung himself. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Hoo?” Jisung inquired, deathly calm once they were face to face, not even a foot separating them. Yeongjoon’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, not expecting the boy to interfere. He hadn’t ever before but there was something in his eyes when he flickered his gaze over to look at the younger. Jeongin had the same glint in his eyes as well, yet it was far more intense and Yeongjoon didn’t fail to pick up on it.

 

“Why does it matter to you? You’re not friends,” Yeongjoon countered, clicking his tongue a few seconds afterward, “Unless we need to be worried about you being a faggot too, Han.”

 

“Shouldn’t we be worried about you, Hoo? I’m pretty sure I saw you making out with a freshman boy yesterday in the locker room. In fact…” Jisung whirled around, seeing the familiar face in the crowd and tugging him along, only to tug down the freshman’s collar and expose the famous hickey mark Yeongjoon was known for. “Here’s the proof.” The freshman flushed, keeping his eyes locked on his shoes. When Jisung let the freshman go, he bolted off with glossy eyes and Jisung made a mental note to find him later and apologize for using him in that situation.

 

Yeongjoon didn’t have anything else to say, gaping a bit when the students around them began to murmur. When Yeongjoon rushed off without another word, some of the other students began to laugh before dispersing, the attention on Jisung and Jeongin no longer existing and giving Jisung a chance to clear his head before he tended to the younger. “Please help me,” Jeongin whimpered suddenly, unable to get the locker door open so his hand could be free, and Jisung jumped forward to help the younger.

 

“One, two…” Jisung counted before he pried open the locker door, Jeongin letting out a cry when the metal left his skin and the pain began to rush all back through the blood in his hand. Jisung shushed him, taking the hand away from Jeongin’s chest to inspect it and wincing a bit at the incisions in his hand. Jisung swore he saw some bone too. “You need to go to the hospital,” Jisung murmured, carefully swiveling Jisung’s hand to really get a good look at the wounds. “Can you move your fingers?”

 

Jeongin wiggled them to find out, and much to his happiness, they moved.

 

“Good. Let’s go. School gets out in an hour anyway,” Jisung huffed, pulling Jeongin along once the younger grabbed everything he needed. Jisung lead him to the courtyard and the hole in the fence behind the overgrown sections of the gardens. “Careful. Don’t need anything getting into the wound.”

 

Luckily for them both, the hospital wasn’t too far away from the school and they managed to get there within a few minutes. However, Jeongin began to become anxious the closer they got, full on stopping when they reached the front entrance. “I don’t want my mom to come here. She’s at work and I don’t want to pull her out,” Jeongin murmured, nibbling on his lower lip but Jisung just nodded his head in understanding.

 

“That’s okay. Just trust me. They won’t call your mom,” Jisung coaxed, taking Jeongin’s good hand into his own and tugging him along. Jeongin didn’t fight it anymore after that, still fidgeting with anxiety all the way to the back room where one of the doctors that knew Jisung well began to treat him.

 

“You’re sure they’re not going to call my mom?” Jeongin nibbled on his lower lip anxiously, legs swinging slowly off of the exam bed as Jisung sat in the spare chair on his phone, texting someone Jeongin would presume. Jisung huffed, nose snarled up.

 

“For the last time, brat. They’re not going to call your mom,” Jisung snapped, sighing a bit when Jeongin stared down at the floor with his lip trapped between his teeth. “This is why people pick on you. You can’t stand up for yourself at all. No wonder people step all over you like a fucking rug.” Jisung muttered and Jeongin’s good hand curled into a fist.

 

“Why did I have to like you of all people. You’re so rude,” Jeongin thought he said inside his head but actually ended up saying it aloud.

 

“ _What?_ ”

 

Jeongin’s face lost all color when he saw Jisung’s gobsmacked expression. However, he didn’t recieve the chance to make the situation better though because of the doctor coming into the room after knocking and rolling a cart in with supplies. “Hello,” He grinned from ear to ear, and Jeongin offered him a weak smile and a bow of his head back. “Unfortunately, a small part of your palm is shattered so we’ll have to put your hand in a cast. Come back in three weeks, and hopefully, we can see some improvement.” The doctor explained but it really just went in one ear and out the other.

 

Jeongin simply offered the doctor his hand, letting him disinfect the wounds before wrapping the white cast wrap around a fluffy cotton sleeve that covered part of Jeongin’s fingers all the way down to a little bit after his wrist. Jeongin didn’t even blink when his wounds began to sting from the medicine.

 

“All done. You two can go now,” The doctor hummed, patting Jeongin on the back and leaving the room.

 

“Thanks, doc,” Jisung hugged the man with a tense smile before guiding Jeongin out. The silence that fell over them felt suffocating. When they reached the front entrance and stood outside for a few seconds, Jisung wouldn’t even look at Jeongin, especially not when he spoke. “I think we should stop the tutor sessions,” Jisung rasped, and Jeongin’s heart fell into his stomach. “I hope your hand heals okay.” jeongin ignored the crack of Jisung’s voice as the elder walked off in the opposite direction Jeongin was supposed to go, and Jeongin felt his heart shatter so much more.

 

He never stood a chance. He wished he had realized that before he allowed himself to fall just that little bit more. Before Jeongin lost grip on what could pull him back up.

 

The sun was beginning to set when Jeongin reached his house, the sky above a dull pink that made Jeongin’s eyes sting. He stood at the edge of his driveway for a few moments, staring up at his house, and Jeongin wished he didn’t have to go inside and act as if he were okay. This cast was already enough of a conversation starter, he didn’t want his mom trying to start another one when she finally realized the pain in her son’s eyes wasn’t from the situation that caused his cast.

 

However, it seemed fate had another plan for him as the door swung open wildly and CHangbin came barreling out, jeongin’s mother and Changbin’s dad not too far behind. “Jeongin!” Jeongin vaguely remembers them all telling him that they were worried and kept calling only for no one to answer, but Jeongin didn’t really process anything. It was only when Changbin pulled their bodies apart, his hands on Jeongin’s biceps and eyes boring into Jeongin’s that the first tear fell and the rest came falling right after in multiple massive waves.

 

And as Jeongin sat on the ground of his driveway between Changbin’s legs and his mom and future stepdad behind him, hugging him so tightly that Jeongin could barely breathe, Jeongin wished he had never agreed to tutor and had fallen for someone else.

  


**10 Feet Tall**

_**I wanna be ten feet tall** _

_**I wanna eat fire and snow** _

_**I wanna scare everyone** _

 

There were many reasons to pick up the bottle that Saturday night, and yet Jisung could only think about two as he unwrapped the fresh bottle of Soju and downed a quarter of it in one go. Chan and Changbin stopped breathing down his neck a week ago, claiming that they’d leave him alone but if he fucked up again, they wouldn’t leave him unattended for the rest of the year. Jisung took that to heart, but he found himself gravitating toward the liquor cabinet that Chan forgot to lock before him and Changbin left for the studio for the weekend.

 

He didn’t mean to drink more than two glasses but he found himself pouring another one without even thinking about it. Jisung did the smart thing and tucked his phone away somewhere else in case his drunken self decided to call someone again, potentially alerting his hyungs of his current state if he called the wrong person.

 

Thinking about the last time Jisung called someone brought back the image of the raven-haired boy resembling that of a fox and Jisung’s heart ached at the memory of his hurt expression when Jisung told him they needed to stop seeing one another. Jisung took another swig of the Soju, the liquid burning as it traveled down his throat.

 

Jisung stopped the sessions with good intentions. He knew that he’d never be able to give Jeongin what he wanted. Jisung was still hung up on Seoyoung, and Jeongin needed to move on and like someone else. Jisung did what he felt like he needed to do, but he doesn’t know if it was worth his falling grades and the unbearable memory of Jeongin’s crestfallen face that never quite seemed to leave Jisung’s mind every time he closed his eyes.

 

Jisung didn’t understand why he can’t stop thinking of Jeongin. The boy even haunted his dreams. His bright smile between the white sheets as the sun beamed into their shared room. His hands intertwined with Jisung’s as they giggled quietly with one another. It always ended with them kissing, and Jisung would wake up in a cold sweat and dread in his heart because a part of him wanted that and the rest of him reminded Jisung that he would never be able to have it.

 

Jisung didn’t like Jeongin, at least not in the way the younger liked him, but Jisung liked the idea of being with him and that was a lot different in its own right. That didn’t mean Jisung didn’t care for Jeongin, because he did even if he didn’t show it too well. Jeongin was a good kid with a good soul who was too naive and innocent for this world. Jisung couldn’t protect him, he didn’t have that right, but maybe Chan and Changbin could.

 

Jisung took another swig of the bottle this time, finishing it off and squeezing his eyes shut as the burning liquid coursed down his throat and into his stomach. Jisung let out a grunt once it was down and shook his head vigorously to get rid of the sensation. His thoughts ran rampant after that, but they all centered around Seoyoung and that beautiful smile she wore so well.

 

But as quickly as he thought about Seoyoung, he stopped, pulled on his shoes, and left. He vaguely remembers hearing someone talk about a party on the rich side of town happening at some kids house tonight. Maybe Jisung could forget there. Take a few stronger drinks, maybe get high, and find a pretty girl to hook up with for the night. Anything to forget. Anything to get rid of this empty feeling in his chest.

 

And that went pretty well for the most part. Jisung found the party, found the alcohol, found the weed, and even found the pretty girl. Music pumped in his ears as he passed through crowds of kids, nodding towards the one he knew and somewhat respected, and not thinking twice when someone passed him a joint or a red cup of liquid that burned in just the right way.

 

Jisung lingered mostly toward the back corners where multiple couples ate each other alive on the couches, and if Jisung wasn’t so high off of all the contents running through his mind he probably would have been grossed out. Instead, his brain created an image of him and Seoyoung, and Jisung grabbed for a cup straight from some guy’s hand, growling at him when the guy tried to pick a fight. “Fuck off,” Jisung hissed, rings glittering prettily on his fingers, and the student eyed Jisung wearily before stalking off.

 

Jisung could feel a pair of eyes From the dance floor boring into him, and his gaze flickered up to meet a pair of blue contacts and red hair from a girl a little shorter than him, even in heels. Jisung sipped at his drink when she shot him a wink as she ground against her friend, and before he knew it, they were nose to nose, kissing on the edge of the dance floor before she leads him away into an empty hallway.

 

He felt like he was on cloud 9 when he pressed her up against the wall, her legs wrapped around his waist as his lips suckled on her neck, creating beautiful flowers along her skin and the noises she made were equally as beautiful.

 

But when Jisung pulled away in a drunken haze to look at the girl, he only saw Jeongin, his blissed-out expression consuming Jisung’s head and despite knowing that it wasn’t really him, Jisung dove back in for more. Her sounds transformed into what Jisung thought Jeongin’s might have been, and Jisung found himself craving it. It was only when there was a loud bang from beside him, a vase falling off of a table because a few drunken guys came running past that the image of Jeongin disappeared. Jisung backed away from her with a shake of his head and foggy eyes.

 

Jisung felt like he was losing his mind in that moment, unsure of why he craved jeongin so much. He didn’t know when his thoughts flipped, why he started thinking of Jeongin that way. They barely knew one another, and yet here was Jisung thinking about him, seeing him every time he closed his eyes.

 

Jisung hated it.

 

He didn’t want it.

 

Jisung stumbled out of the house reeking of weed and booze, trying his best to keep his composure as he walked down the sidewalk. Jisung didn’t know where he was going. He figured he could just go home and crash for the night but something still remained unsettled in his stomach. Jisung felt vulnerable because there was something else he needed to take care of but he had no idea what.

 

Jisung wondered for a while, making his way downtown where a bunch of kids from school hung out regularly. There were groups of guys that Jisung saw daily at school acting polite in front of people to respect, girls normally quiet at school carefree now and looking like they were having fun. Jisung swore he saw Minho and Seungmin through the crowd somewhere, looking anything but platonic, but Jisung dismissed it as his brain creating that image. His brain had already played with him a bit tonight anyway.

 

Jisung was okay. Sure, his heart hurt and he was far from sober, but he didn’t feel angry. That didn’t last long though.

 

Through the crowd, he saw Seoyoung, laughing and giggling as she gripped the arm of a guy taller than Jisung, much more handsome than Jisung, richer than Jisung, and most likely much smarter than Jisung. Seoyoung moved onto much greater and better things but instead of being sad or relieved, Jisung became angry.

 

In his alcohol and drug influenced brain, he couldn’t understand how she could move on. How she could just forget him as if he were nothing? Because Jisung _was_ nothing to her; he just failed to realize it.

 

In her memory of him, she only knows a boy who got angry over nothing, a boy who became obsessed with her a few days after they met, a boy who was so sensitive at heart that she felt like she was walking on eggshells around him. That didn’t mean she didn’t care for him, but she finally opened her eyes and left him. She never owed him that visit she paid him a while back, but she did it anyway.

 

Seoyoung has a good soul.

 

Too bad Jisung’s anger got in the way.

 

Jisung’s body moved before he could even will it too, his legs moving quickly but sloppy enough that he stumbled frequently. It’s kind of a miracle Jisung didn’t face plant on his way over to the couple. “I can’t believe this!” Jisung slurred out, cheeks a tinted pink from his anger and the exertion of his body just to get to them before they walked off in another direction. Seoyoung and her boyfriend gazed at Jisung in confusion, but they soon morphed into one of anger and irritation the more Jisung spoke. “Did I mean anything to you? Did you ever like me or did you just play me?”

 

“Jisung, are you drunk?” Seoyoung questioned with a snarl of her nose but the worry was still evident in her eyes to anyone aside from Jisung.

 

“This is Jisung?” her boyfriend pointed accusingly toward the boy in question, and Jisung looked ready to jump him for even saying Jisung’s name. Seoyoung nodded her head hesitantly, fearful of where this situation could go. “Listen, man, this isn’t necessary. I advise you back off before this gets a lot worse for you,” The boyfriend calmly advised, holding out his hand as if Jisung were a rabid dog.

 

Jisung might as well have been with the way he lunged at the boyfriend. “Don’t tell me what to fucking do, asshole! You took the love of my life from me!” Jisung yelled, shoving at the boy’s chest and Jisung saw his fist whirl back to punch Jisung in the face but the hit never came.

 

Suddenly, hands wrapped around Jisung’s waist and he was getting tugged back, and between his blurry vision, Jisung saw Seungmin and Minho talking to the boyfriend calmly, looking as if they were apologizing as soft, familiar whispers chimed in his ears. “Hyung! Hyung, you need to calm down. You have no idea what you’re doing. If you keep breathing like that you’ll have a panic attack.” Jisung practically melted back into Jeongin’s chest, tears gushing down his cheeks as his bottom lip quivered.

 

“I loved you! I loved you with my whole heart and you left me!” Jisung wailed, struggling against Jeongin’s grip again but when he heard the younger whimper behind him and plead for him to stop, Jisung finally gave in and walked away, tearing himself out of Jeongin’s grip to storm away. Jeongin looked absolutely crestfallen and defeated, not sure how to handle this situation anymore. However, Jeongin stormed after him, determined to get him to stop but only reached him once they rounded a corner, pulling him back by his arm.

 

“Hyung-”

 

“What the fuck do you want?” Jisung snapped, getting in Jeongin’s face with an expression of pure rage. Jeongin gulped, suddenly feeling like Jisung became ten feet tall and harbored devil horns in a matter of seconds.

 

That didn’t make Jeongin refrain from feeling slightly bitter, “Well excuse me if I’m concerned a little bit. You’re drunk and high based off the way you smell, and I don’t want you getting arrested tonight because you keep picking fights with everyone-” Jeongin’s own yelp cut him off when something rough and chapped pressed against his own. It took Jeongin a second to register that Jisung gripped his collar tightly and his lips were locked with Jeongin’s. His head felt like it was going to explode in a matter of seconds.

 

“Stop talking, brat,” Jisung hissed into Jeongin’s lips when the boy kept trying to talk.

 

“Jisung, you have no idea what you’re doing-” Jeongin whimpered after Jisung sucked harshly on his lower lip.

 

“You’re pretty and I need a distraction,” Jisung huffed, clasping Jeongin’s head between his hands and kissing him rougher in hopes of getting Jeongin to just shut up. But this seemed to be the last straw for Jeongin as he took Jisung’s hands into his own and ripped them away from his face with a snarl on his face.

 

“ _No_.” Jeongin growled darkly, gripping Jisung’s collar in his fist and dragging him away down the street and toward his house. Jisung tried to argue, fight against Jeongin but his body was beginning to give out and he couldn’t fight against Jeongin’s determined grip anymore. “Just shut up, Jisung!” Jisung hated how much he could hear his own voice in Jeongin’s.

 

Jisung didn’t talk anymore after that.

 

When they reached an almost perfect house with a perfect garden out front, Jisung felt his heart drop in his stomach. Jeongin’s life was perfect, and Jisung no doubt was about to ruin it more than he probably already had. “You’re so lucky my mom is out with her boyfriend tonight. Otherwise, I probably would have let you get arrested. Taken you to the fucking police station myself,” Jeongin grumbled the last part to himself.

 

“You probably should have,” Jisung slurred, leaning against the wall beside the front door and trying his best to keep himself upright. Jeongin just glared at him, shoving the key into the lock and opening the door with so much force that Jisung feared the slab of wood coming off its hinges.

 

Jeongin took Jisung by the arm again after they took off their shoes at the door, leading him up the stairs and into his room, shoving him down on the bed.

 

“Finally giving me my distraction, Yang?” Jisung purred drunkenly, propping himself up on his elbows as Jeongin dug around in his drawers. Jeongin turned back toward the elder so aggressively that Jisung flinched a bit, melting back against the mattress when Jeongin shoved him down with a growl.

 

“No, you fucking pervert. You’re staying in my bed tonight so you’re not dead in the morning,” jeongin snapped, seemingly more pissed than Jisung registered. Jisung groaned loudly, flopping back on the bed and staring up at the ceiling with a pout.

 

“Oh come on, Yang!” Jisung whined, reaching out for Jeongin’s arm to tug him down on the bed when Jeongin walked past. Jeongin fell onto the mattress with a yelp, squirming in discomfort when Jisung curled around him and began mouthing kisses to his neck. “I know you want this…” Jeongin had never felt more disgusted until that moment, shoving Jisung away to climb out of bed.

 

“Jisung, that’s not okay! Do you not know what consent is?” Jisung cocked his head to the side in confusion, not sure of what he had done wrong but wanting to fix it. Jeongin’s eyes nearly rolled into the back of his head. “Forget it. You’re not even sober. I’m sleeping on the couch,” Jeongin muttered with a dismissal wave of his hand.

 

“Wait… jeongin…” Jisung called out weakly, and Jeongin had the nerve to stop and look at him. “I’m sorry… This is your bed, you shouldn’t have to sleep on the couch,” Jisung slurred. “And I don’t want to be alone. Please don’t leave me alone,” Jisung whimpered, bottom lip quivering and looking like a scared child. Jeongin sighed, rubbing at his forehead.

 

“Promise not to touch me?” jeongin offered wearily and Jisung nodded his head frantically. “Alright. But stay on your side of the bed. I’m putting a pillow between us,” jeongin pointed a finger toward the elder and Jisung climbed underneath the covers and watched Jeongin change into a pair of sweats, climb into bed, and put a pillow between them.

 

Once the lights were off, Jisung’s brain ran rampant. “Goodnight, Jeongin.”

 

Jeongin didn’t answer, only rolling over so his back was to Jisung and the elder wished that the pillow wasn’t there. He wished he could hold Jeongin as a partner would, and Jisung slapped himself internally for thinking such a thing.

 

Maybe if Jisung was a good person, he’d realize that jeongin’s shoulders were shaking and the boy held a hand to his mouth desperately to muffle the sound of his sobs.

 

**I’ll Make Cereal**

_**All of this it comes to me** _

_**In the deep corners of my sleep** _

_**And the bed frame starts to creak and reel** _

_**Fish leave poison in my brain** _

_**Starts to turn me insane** _

_**But in the morning I'll make cereal** _

 

It’s a hard feeling to explain if Jeongin were honest. The problem resided in the fact that it wasn’t just one feeling Jeongin experienced, but a plethora of them instead. His ears felt clogged as if water swashed deep inside, and his vision stretched so wide that it was both clear and blurry at the same time. It felt as though he looked through a fishbowl, perhaps even swimming inside one as he peered out into the real world.

 

Jeongin felt equally as trapped as he did detached.

 

His gaze locked on the white ceiling above him, light beaming in from the windows but it wasn’t warm. It was a dull, almost haunting cool tone that sent a chill down Jeongin’s spine. It didn’t help that his house felt cold that morning as well, and Jeongin tried not to wake up the boy sleeping beside him with his relentless shivering. The blankets didn’t provide enough warmth. Jeongin couldn’t stop trembling.

 

Jeongin wondered if he trembled for another reason, a reason Jeongin hadn’t acknowledged quite yet. Jeongin wondered if it had anything to do with Jisung and how close his body was due to the position they were in. Sleep induced Jisung insisted on hugging the pillow and now his fingertips could simply twitch and they’d touch Jeongin’s side. Jeongin tried not to look at him, he really did, but Jeongin caught himself turning his head and studying Jisung’s sleep ridden expression when it was too late.

 

Jeongin had already indulged himself deeply into Jisung’s features, even if it wasn’t the most attractive sight in the world. Yet, Jeongin stared at Jisung’s lips, and Jeongin’s own began to tingle at the memory of the kiss they shared last night, even if Jeongin didn’t want it.

 

It was a hard feeling to explain because as much as Jeongin wanted to kiss Jisung, he didn’t want those to be the circumstances when it happened.

 

If it hadn’t been for the non-existent weights weighing heavily down on his body that morning, Jeongin would have reached out and touched Jisung’s face, traced the puff of his cheeks and the creases in his forehead. Jeongin had never seen Jisung look so peaceful in his life, and Jeongin knew he needed to pull away before he did something to ruin the tranquility between them.

 

Jeongin couldn’t explain his feelings because it almost felt like there was nothing there at all. He felt like he was getting suffocated but there was nothing swirling in his chest either.

 

It had been a long time since Jeongin felt like that.

 

When Jeongin’s feet hit the cold wooden floors of his house, he let out a whimper and instantly retreated. Jeongin leaned back on the heels of his hands, feet resting on the wood of his bed frames as he peered over the edge as if there were a monster underneath the bed waiting to eat his feet. It took an aggressive snore from the boy beside him on the bed to snap Jeongin out of his trance and Jeongin gulped, finally standing up and off of the bed as carefully as possible to avoid disturbing Jisung’s sleep.

 

He walked on his toes, never letting his heels hit the ground as he approached his closed bedroom door but everytime he took a step, his ankle popped, translating into a gunshot in the dead quiet of the room. Jeongin tensed up when he heard Jisung mumble something, looking over his shoulder to check on Jisung only for the elder to roll over and face his back to the younger.

 

Jeongin left the room after that, making his way down to the kitchen and thankful for the fact that his mother didn’t come home last night. Jeongin had no idea when she’d be home, but he figured he had enough time to sneak Jisung out relatively soon.

 

Jeongin’s fingers curled around the cold metal of the handles attached to the cupboards and pulled it open with a creak, flinching at the high pitched sound. Jeongin reached for the cereal on the top shelf, and when his shirt rode up a little bit, Jeongin’s brain jumped to the idea of warm hands circling around the bare of his waist and Jeongin being pulled back into a warm chest and warm embrace. Jeongin attached the body to Jisung’s face of course.

 

It could be presumed that anyone who saw Jeongin’s hunched over figure, fingers gripping the box so tightly the cardboard began to crumble underneath his fingertips, that they’d be worried, but no one would see it. No one was in the house aside from Jisung, and the elder was fast asleep upstairs.

 

Jeongin poured his cereal into a bowl, poured milk in after it, stuck a spoon amongst the contents, and carried it into the living room. He set the bowl on the coffee table before he sat down on the couch with his legs crossed underneath him, but as Jeongin sat there, staring at the cereal bowl and trying to will himself to pick it up and eat, Jeongin didn’t move a damn finger.

 

There’s no hard telling how long Jeongin sat there staring at his cereal bowl. The only thing he knew was that he was so far gone in the sogginess of the cereal that he didn’t even register the fact that someone was stumbling down the stairs and approaching him from behind after staring for a few moments. Jeongin barely even registered Jisung rounding his side to kneel down in front of him, a soft expression of concern evident on his face. Jeongin’s eyes followed Jisung’s sinking figure, but his mind didn’t. Jeongin’s mind was still on the cereal bowl.

 

Jisung spoke to him, trying to grab Jeongin’s attention once he realized that Jeongin was off in his own internal nightmare, but words didn’t drag Jeongin out of his daze. A touch did. A cold, chilling touch. “Jeongin. Look at me. Stop being weird,” Jisung huffed, tapping against jeongin’s cheek lightly with the tip of his first and middle and fingers. Jeongin blinked a few times before his mouth fell into a pout and Jisung grinned softly. “There he is,” Jisung hushed.

 

Jeongin didn’t say anything, letting his eyes peer over Jisung’s shoulder to look at the soggy bowl of cereal again and his thoughts began to run rampant again.

 

However, Jisung snapped him back out of it by running his knuckles along Jeongin’s jawline before the side of his finger nudged under Jeongin’s chin. “I feel like I should be the one that’s this fucked up right now,” Jisung teased, studying Jeongin carefully as if the boy was a ticking time bomb. Jeongin didn’t say anything at first, wincing a bit at the rustle of fabric as his arm weakly moved up so Jeongin’s fingers curled around Jisung’s wrist. The boy was surprisingly warm, and Jeongin found himself sinking into that warmth.

 

“I hate you so much, Han Jisung,” Jeongin rasped, barely above a whisper and there was a crack between his words. However, Jisung didn’t move away, resting his palm a little more firmly against Jeongin’s jaw and letting the pad of his thumb run over the pink skin of Jeongin’s lips. “I hate you so, so much.” Jeongin looked on the verge of tears.

 

Perhaps everyone else can see what happens next, but they didn’t. Jisung was simply reacting on instinct and Jeongin reacted as his heart would have wanted him to. Jisung leaned up at the same time he pulled Jeongin’s head down so they met in the middle, lips locking together and moving against one another slowly. There wasn’t fireworks. It didn’t feel like a thousand butterflies flew around in their stomachs, and their heads didn’t spin, but it felt right. It felt right, and it felt nice, and it was everything Jeongin would want from a kiss with Jisung.

 

Jisung pulled away after twenty-two seconds, jeongin definitely didn’t count, and rested their foreheads together, cupping Jeongin’s cheeks and rubbing his thumbs along the apples of jeongin’s cheeks. “Yeah, well, I hate you too,” Jisung whispered, and Jeongin let out a quiet breath of amusement before he curled his fingers around the back of Jisung’s neck and pulled him in for another kiss. This felt natural to him, and that was everything to Jeongin.

 

Jeongin felt hands slipping around his waist, opening his mouth in a quiet gasp when he was guided backward onto the couch, Jisung climbing on top of him and straddling his hips. “Hyung,” Jeongin breathed out when Jisung pulled away to press small, tender kisses to his forehead, both of his cheeks, his nose, and then a trail now his neck to mouth weakly at Jeongin’s collarbone. “Have you always been this tender?”

 

“Only for those I can’t control myself around,” Jisung huffed, nosing against Jeongin’s shoulder as he intertwined their fingers and pressed their hands into the couch cushion on either side of Jeongin’s head. “I used to really hate you,” Jisung muttered, nibbling lightly on a tendon in Jeongin’s neck to make him whimper, “But suddenly all I could think about was you and being yours.” the admission was quiet but deafening all the same. Those same words would ring in Jeongin’s head for weeks.

 

“I never understood why you were so rude. I wished nonstop after I realized I had feelings for you to fall for someone else so I at least had a chance. You were so unreachable, Jisung,” Jeongin murmured, squeezing Jisung’s hand to keep his mind grounded. Jisung hummed, swiping his tongue over the slightly red skin in the joint of Jeongin’s neck and shoulder. Jeongin could hide it easily and they were both thankful for that.

 

Especially when someone came barging through the front door with grocery bags in hand and a mission in mind. Jeongin and Jisung sprung apart at the appearance of Jeongin’s mother in the house. Jisung felt a chill run over his whole body when Jeongin’s mother and he made eye contact, Jeongin still pinned underneath him. “Hello,” Jisung coughed, bowing once he was off of jeongin and standing up at the edge of the couch. Jeongin’s mother just gaped at him, bowing slightly as well to be polite.

 

Jeongin got up in lighting speed once he realized who came home, stood in front of Jisung to cover him from his mother’s curious eyes. “Mom! I wasn’t expecting you to be home so soon!” Jeongin squeaked, hands nervously playing with the back of his shirt but relaxing a little when Jisung curled his fingers around Jeongin’s wrist and stroked his thumb along the top of his hand.

 

“Obviously not,” The woman muttered, crossing his arms over her chest. She didn’t look angry, just confused. “Who’s this?” She thrust her head toward the boy stood behind him and Jeongin began to break out into a cold sweat.

 

“A friend,” Jeongin quipped, gulping loudly. Jisung raised both of his eyebrows toward Jeongin, sharing a look with his mother that practically said ‘is he serious right now?’

 

“Are you sure about that, Jeongin?” His mother inquired carefully, unsure of what boundaries were between the two boys. Jeongin heard Jisung sigh from behind him before stepping out to approach the woman, holding out his hand.

 

“I’m Jisung,” The boy introduced himself, and jeongin’s mother shook his hand with a firm grip.

 

“It’s nice to meet you, Jisung.”

 

A tense silence fell over them all and Jeongin felt like shrinking in on himself in fear. “I think that maybe I should go. You two look like you need to talk,” Jisung murmured quietly, scared of breaking the tense silence and potentially releasing the mama bear on him. Jeongin’s mother nodded in agreement.

 

“Perhaps we can all sit down and have a chat another day, but I think just me and my son need to talk,” Jeongin’s mother agreed. Jisung walked toward the door to slip on his shoes, Jeongin not too far behind him.

 

“I’ll walk you out,” Jeongin uttered, rubbing at the back of his neck nervously and Jisung didn’t try and argue with him. They stepped out onto the porch, Jeongin closing the door behind him so his mom couldn’t hear them converse too clearly.

 

However, no words came out. They just stood there, staring at one another in mild wonder and Jisung cursed under his breath. “Come here,” Jisung muttered, curling his hand around the back of Jeongin’s neck to pull his head down so Jisung could press a tender, prolonged kiss to his forehead. “Be safe.”

 

“Be smart,” Jeongin fired back and Jisung laughed quietly against his forehead. Jisung pulled away finally and walked away, down the steps and down the sidewalk, Jeongin watching him until Jisung’s figure was nothing but a small blurb he could no longer make out.

 

When Jeongin entered the house again, his mother was sat in her chair in the living room, Jeongin sitting down in the corner of the couch where Jisung used to have him pinned and curled up in on himself. “How long?”

 

“Literally this morning,” Jeongin muttered and Jeongin’s mother gasped, scandalized.

 

“Jeongin! That kid had you pinned to the couch! How far would you have gone if I hadn’t been there?” His mother growled, looking purely disappointed in her son and Jeongin’s eyes began to wonder.

 

“Not any farther than that! Mom, I’m not…” Jeongin squeezed his eyes shut, “...comfortable doing that kind of stuff. It grosses me out,” Jeongin admitted shyly and Jeongin’s mother sighed, shoulders dropping.

 

“Right… That makes a lot of sense now that I think about it.”

 

It was quiet for a moment.

 

“Who is he? Like how do you know him?”

 

“That’s the guy I tutor,” Jeongin whimpered a bit when a pillow was thrown at him.

 

“I didn’t realize it was _that_ Jisung,” She practically screeched, and when another silence fell over them again, a mischevious expression took over her face. “Is he a good kisser?”

 

“Mom!”

  


**Pigeon**

_**Circling around the kitchen** _

_**Why has nothing changed** _

 

The two teenagers didn’t see each other for the next few days. They called once or twice to make sure everything was okay, but they didn’t physically see each other until the following Thursday during lunch. Jeongin had held himself up in the library during the half-hour break to get some studying done, and that went pretty well for the most part. There hadn’t been anyone in the library except for a few other kids and the librarian, all stuck in their own little world.

 

The silence was much appreciated as Jeongin could safely put in his headphones and listen to the tracks of Woojin playing the piano to not only calm his nerves but help him take in the information given to him. School was so ungodly important to Jeongin it was insane, so of course, he was going to take his studies seriously, life problems or not. Jeongin’s future rode deeply on these last few years and Jeongin couldn’t fuck around.

 

It kind of stressed him out to a certain degree, especially when the lunch bell rang and Jeongin was forced to go back to class and take in more knowledge before barely learning all of the previous content. However, just as he was about to walk out the doors, they opened and all Jeongin’s social life and romance anxiety replaced his school anxiety.

 

Han Jisung came waltzing through, headphones on his head and whistling along to the song playing in his ears. The elder stuttered a bit when he met Jeongin’s gaze, pulling down his headphones so they hung around his neck, and then guiding them both off to the side so they were out of the way of moving students. “Hi…” Jeongin trailed off shyly, and then jumping a bit in realization, pulling his backpack off his back and digging around it in to pull out a neatly folded jacket in a plastic bag, handing it shyly over to the elder, “You left your jacket at my house…”

 

Jisung took it carefully, hooking his fingers through the loops and twirling it lightly. “Thanks,” Jisung murmured, his heart stuttering at the sight of Jeongin’s face lighting up.

 

“Am I keeping you?” Jeongin inquired nervously and Jisung just chuckled lowly, tugging at his collar a little bit so the tie didn’t feel so tight.

 

“Just a little bit,” Jisung winked, content when Jeongin flushed and looked downward, shuffling his feet. “I work in the library during this period. The headmaster said this was my way of redeeming myself aside from grades. It’s pretty nice actually because the librarian just kind of lets me study or hang out in the beanbags,” Jisung explained, rambling a bit. “Sorry.” Jeongin simply beamed at him with this lovesick gleam in his eyes and Jisung somehow felt even more flushed.

 

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

 

“Ah, ah. No skipping class, Yang,” Jisung tutted, tapping his chest a few times for emphasis and Jeongin giggled quietly.

 

“Aye-Aye, captain,” Jeongin soluted playfully. “I should get going. I’ll see you later?” Jeongin murmured in question, eyebrows furrowed and eyes glistening in a way that made Jeongin vaguely resemble a puppy.

 

“Sure, kid,” Jisung shrugged. In an act of complete boldness sprinkled with a bit of giddiness, Jeongin leaned in and stole a peck from the elder, going to quickly walk away with blushing cheeks but Jisung grabbed his wrist before he could get too far. “Where do you think you’re going, hm?” Jisung hummed quietly, hooking his hand around Jeongin’s jaw to pivot it how he needed to before going in for a much softer, but longer kiss that made Jeongin’s head spin.

 

When they pull away, they looked at one another for a few moments, thumb rubbing along Jeongin’s jaw as he tried his best to resist kissing Jeongin until there wasn’t any air left in their lungs. “I need to go, hyung,” Jeongin shyly admitted and Jisung nodded, letting him go.

 

“Bye, baby.” Jeongin ran off with pink cheeks and a smile so wide it could have been considered hysterical, and Jisung’s stomach fluttered at the thought.

 

However, once Jisung sat down and began to study for an upcoming test twenty minutes later after he got the go from the librarian, his mind wondered elsewhere, and that was where Jeongin and Jisung stood previously.

 

Jisung liked Jeongin, he wouldn’t deny that anymore, but that didn’t mean he was ready to fully welcome Jeongin into that part of his life. Jeongin was a good kid, but Jisung was destructive and he knew that if he were to bring Jeongin into an unsteady environment where Jisung still felt deeply for Seoyoung, Jeongin would get hurt more than he already would if Jisung were to stop this before it got too far.

 

Jisung began to feel more guilty the more he thought about it. He should have never lead Jeongin on, he should have never kissed him and called him an endearing pet name. He should have never implied a future for them and Jisung began to crumble just sitting there behind the library desk.

 

“...sung? Jisung!” However, he snapped out of it pretty quickly, and his head jolted up so Jisung’s eyes locked with changbin’s concerned ones. “What’s wrong?” Changbin questioned in concern, setting the stack of textbooks down on the table and leaning over the counter so he was in Jisung’s bubble. The younger didn’t mind.

 

“I fucked up, hyung.” Jisung didn’t know what he looked like at that moment but he can only guess he looked pretty fucked up if Changbin’s face said anything before he rounded the counter to sit down in the spare chair beside Jisung.

 

“What happened?”

 

Jisung was silent for a moment.

 

“Tell me, Ji.” Changbin insisted a bit more, and Jisung took in a shaky breath before rubbing at his eyes in exasperation.

 

“I kissed Jeongin.” Changbin stared at Jisung in disbelief, a flicker in his eyes that Jisung had never quite seen before and fear flooded Jisung until he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

 

“You did what?!” Changbin practically yelled, lips wobbling a bit from frustration and Jisung let a few tears slip because he hated this situation ten more times now. “Are you insane? How could you do that? You know that kid likes you and that you’re still hung up on Seoyoung! You’re going to break him!”

 

“I know! I know! I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Jisung whimpered, clutching Changbin’s collar in his tinier fists and burying his head into Changbin’s neck. Changbin’s arms immediately flew around Jisung’s shoulders, one of his hands landing on the back of Jisung’s head to bring him into a more comforting, firmer hug. “I really like him, hyung…” Jisung whispered once he calmed down, resting his cheek on Changbin’s shoulder and staring at the bookshelf behind him. “But I’m going to hurt him. He deserves better.”

 

“You need to talk to him, Ji.”

 

“I know.”

 

Jisung talked to Jeongin two days later, a Saturday evening when the sun was beginning to set, the sky was a beautiful orange and pink mixture, and the air felt nice against their skin. However, as nice as everything else was, Jisung felt guilty, clouded, and confused. He knew what he had to do, but _God_ did he dread it.

 

Jisung sat on the hill he always did, the one that overlooked the city, the one that saw his first kiss, his first relationship, his first break up, his first meltdown, his first genuine family, his first everything. It only felt right to talk to Jeongin on this hill.

 

Maybe this wouldn’t be the last the hill would see Jeongin, but Jisung couldn’t hang onto that hope.  

 

Jisung lowered himself down onto the grass, curling it between his fingers and tugging on it until a few of the strands snapped. The wind asked if Jisung was okay, and all Jisung answered was ‘yes. I’m okay’ even if it wasn’t true.

 

Because that's the thing isn’t it?

 

None of us are okay, yet none of us want to be seen as vulnerable either. When someone asks another if they’re okay, it’s guaranteed that a list of the person's current struggles ran right through their head, and they might even really consider telling the other what’s on their mind. But in the end, everyone says they’re okay because that’s what they’re taught to do, and this was no different.

 

When Jisung heard the grass crunch behind him repetitively, he tugged his legs up to his chest and buried his chin in his knees. “Hi, hyung,” Jeongin murmured, lowering himself down beside Jisung on the grass and studying the elder’s face for a moment. Jisung looked perplexed but guilty more than anything.

 

Jeongin had a pretty good idea as to what this was. “Jeongin…”

 

“You’re ending this aren’t you?” Jeongin cut him off before Jisung could continue. Jeongin didn’t sound as angry as he felt, trying his best to keep himself collected as he waited for Jisung to give him a response. The only one he got was Jisung looking away with a tremble of his bottom lip. “Can I ask why?”

 

Jisung tugged at the ends of his hair stressfully, Jeongin reaching up to take the fingers from his strands so Jisung would calm down. Jisung stared down at their intertwined hands with a solemn look, but Jeongin just gave his palm a squeeze in return, unknowingly comforting himself simultaneously. “It’s not because I don’t have feelings for you okay?” Jeongin nodded slowly, “But it’s because I still have very deep feelings for someone else, and it’s made me unstable. You deserve better, Jeongin. Someone who can pay attention to you and give you their undivided love. The only thing you’ll get with me is pain.”

 

“Stop worrying about me in this situation.” Jisung snapped his head up to look at Jeongin in shock, not expecting such a firm response. “You’re overthinking this. You need to be worrying about yourself instead of me. You have no idea what’s going to come out of this or what I deserve, but Jisung… If you’re not ready then you’re not ready. Don’t try and make this out to be anything other than that,” Jeongin scolded, and Jisung felt smaller than he had been before.

 

Silence draped over them, far too tense for Jisung’s liking but he deserved that and he knew it.

 

“I don’t know what I should have been expecting out of this… it happened so suddenly, didn’t it?”

 

“Yeah.” Jisung croaked, running his fingers through his hair.

 

“Do you… do you think that if in the future we had the chance to be together… would you take it?” The question was loaded, Jisung and Jeongin both knew that, but they almost needed that. They needed to have some sort of hope if they wanted to get out of this without any more damage. But Jisung couldn’t lie either.

 

“Maybe.” he’d like to try again, Jisung knew that much.

 

But that’s all they could know for now.

  


**Lemon Boy (Acappella Version)**

_**But what if I run out of fertilizer** _

_**What if the clouds run out of rain** _

_**What if Lemon Boy won't grow no longer** _

_**What if the beaches dry of sugarcane** _

_**Oh well** _

 

It really wasn’t supposed to end up this way.

 

None of this was supposed to end with Jeongin questioning everything he had been taught his entire life.

 

Jeongin wished he hadn’t ever agreed to be a tutor, maybe it would have saved a world of feelings Jeongin didn’t want to experience.

 

Jeongin didn’t want to be angry at Jisung. He grew up being taught to be angry at the situation, not so much the people involved, but yet, here he was, wishing he could tear Jisung a new one while tears gushed down his cheeks and he stumbled along downtown. Jeongin couldn’t describe how angry he was because not even he was sure how angry he was. He knew deep down Jisung wasn’t leading him on, because he could see that Jisung felt for him in some way, but that didn’t keep Jeongin from feeling betrayed.

 

It just ended… just like that. It ended as quickly as it started and Jeongin thinks that’s why he’s the most hurt. He didn’t get to do everything he wanted to do with Jisung, and before he even got the chance, it just stopped. Why did he even feel for Jisung? _When_ did he start feeling for Jisung?

 

Jeongin wondered if he even liked Jisung in the first place. He wondered if his romance craving heart just clung to the first thing there and it just so happened to be someone he couldn’t have.

 

But even when a month passed, a month of never seeing one another as they avoided each other like the plague, Jeongin still found himself slightly cracked inside, all of his friends trying their best to help mend those cracks, but they’d only reopen the night of graduation.

 

Nothing happened between them, they didn’t even interact more than a look and a small smile, but that was enough to rock Jeongin to his core. He sat in the crowd with Woojin and Minho, Hyunjin and Seungmin sitting amongst those waiting to be called up during the ceremony to grab their diplomas and prove to everyone they made it through the supposed best years of their lives.

 

The two elders sat on either side of Jeongin, keeping a lookout for anything that might go wrong tonight, but then Chan came stumbling along, looking awkward and Jeongin found it hard to watch. “Channie Hyung!” Jeongin called out to him, Chan snapping his head around and looking relieved when he saw the three of them. However, he didn’t move toward them until Jeongin waved him over and switched seats with Woojin so they could sit next to one another. “Hi.”

 

“Hey,” Chan breathed as he sat down, wiping his palms a long his jeans, no doubt covered in cold sweat. “How are you?” Chan inquired carefully.

 

“I’m alright. Excited that my best friends are finally graduating.”

 

“Really? I figured you’d be a bit sad considering you’ll be alone next school year.” Chan quirked an eyebrow up in interest.

 

“Don’t remind me,” Jeongin winced. Chan laughed quietly and patted Jeongin’s thigh reassuringly.

 

“You’ll be fine. I heard from Changbin you’re graduating early anyway.”

 

“Well, I applied. That doesn’t mean I’m actually getting accepted for it though,” Jeongin pointed out bashfully but Chan just tutted.

 

“No one ever got anything achieved with confidence like that,” Chan scolded, a playful glint to his eyes, and Jeongin forgot how nice to it was to be around the elder.

 

Jeongin huffed in earnest, crossing his arms over his chest, “It’s nice not to get your hopes up,” Jeongin weakly retorted but Chan just slipped his arm around Jeongin’s shoulder and brought him in close.

 

“Here’s some advice from your creepy old hyung, Chan, kid.” Jeongin snorted out some laughter at that, “Life is too short to be cautious all the time. Be confident! Speak it into existence!” Chan shook him a bit, and Jeongin squealed, telling him to hush when the ceremony started. However, a little bit after, Felix came running down to their seats looking flustered and a bit ruffled with swollen lips and wrinkled clothes.

 

“Well then…” Jeongin breathed out when they locked eyes, and Felix flushed.

 

“None of you say anything.”

 

Of course, they didn’t as soon as the ceremony was over, but that was a story for another day.

 

One by one, all the students' names were called, and Chan cheered the loudest when Jisung got called, a burst of pride in all of their chests when Jisung walked the stage. Jeongin hoped that Jisung saw the pride in his eyes. He hopes Jisung saw that despite everything, Jeongin was so, so happy for him.

 

Jisung had graduated, Jeongin got into the college he wanted, Seungmin and Hyunjin were staying in town for the summer before they took off for college, Changbin’s dad and Jeongin’s mom were getting married in the fall, Woojin was graduating college within the next few months because of all his hard work, and Minho was making some last minute decisions before opening a dance studio.

 

Life was weird, so weird that even when Jeongin moved across South Korea to get away from this town, he’d still come face to face with a familiar blond with a familiar dimpled smile in his third year of college, and he’d fall in love.

 

But Jeongin had no idea what life had in store for him in the following years and that scared him. Jeongin was lost, and he’d get back on track. It’d just take a while.

 

It was never supposed to end this way in Jeongin’s mind, but fate had other ideas and all Jeongin could do was get strung along like the puppet he was.

  


[[Moodboard](https://twitter.com/atumun15/status/1132319160497856517?s=20)]


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